I can't take this life anymore

[Borodog]

Lucky,

David Sklansky, world famous poker mofo that he is, asked me to stop in and say a few words of encouragement to you.

Pick A. Many, many people at some point in their lives feel the way you do now. But you have little idea of the amazing stuff that awaits you when you get past the current low spot.

Everyone is weak at some point in their lives and we all need help. Talk to a counselor, see if you might need medication. Believe it or not, there are people all around you that have the same feelings as you do, but they don't tell anyone either. They keep it a secret too. If you get in touch with someone who can help you, they will probably put you in touch with others who are trying to get through similiar trying times. And YOU will be able to help THEM. Isn't that worth pursuing? To be able to help those people? After all, you know what they're going through, don't you?

Feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to talk to.

[Jman28]

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I feel like seeing a doctor would be like admitting my weakness..

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It's absolutely a big step. Much bigger than telling people anonymously on an internet message board. But think about how much just doing this helped, and realize that taking that bigger step will help much more.

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I haven't had friend or anyone to talk with 4 years

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If you have AIM, PM me your screen name. I'm online a good amount of the time and I'd love to talk.

[RJT]

LUCKYINFUTURE,

I implore you do not go the suicide route. I have immediate experience with a loved one who took that option. Please read my story. I hope I don’t confuse you more. I am only trying to help you and your loved ones.

I come from a very close family. My father died in 1985 leaving behind my mom and my sister who is the oldest of us kids, my two older brothers and me. He died of natural causes. Death of any loved one is a painful experience. I am not sure if you have experienced it yet or not. If not, you will. It is part of life - not an easy part of life - but happens to all of us and we are wiser and more mature afterwards. Things almost immediately are put in perspective. How short and precious life is. One begins to see the value of all of our lives, so much different than before the loss. (And I was already 27 at this time. An adult, but still so wet behind the ears as to life.)

Anyway, so my oldest brother had been living in California for a number of years. He got married and had a daughter. He was always on the avante garde of things going on. He was in the music business. So he was hip to the pulse of our generation. (He was only 4 years older than me.) I always thought he was so much more together than I. He always knew the right things to do, etc.

About 5 years ago he was diagnosed with MS. A few years after that his wife divorced him. I am not positive, (and not to lay the divorce on her), but I really think she wanted to get out before she would have had to start taking care of him, so to speak. Then he started having financial problems.

Well two years ago he really started getting into a depression. I think he also started to have a nervous breakdown. We told him to come home for a while and re-group. My older brother (the middle brother) flew out to California to accompany him home to the Midwest. This was on a Thursday.

He was staying at my mom’s house with her. We tried to get an appointment with a shrink our family doctor recommended. It would be weeks until we could get an appointment. Our family doctor, in the meantime prescribed some meds. I think they were either too late or the wrong dosage.

The following Wednesday I was having an early dinner with a friend at a bar/restaurant about 5 miles from my mom’s. About 4 PM I got a phone call from my mom.

All I could hear on the phone was her screaming in utter horrible pain. She did not say a word. It was just her crying hysterically. I got in my car with my buddy running behind me. He had no idea why I was rushed although he knew what was going on with my brother. Of course, I could not get home fast enough. I was running red lights, passing cars, etc. I was calling my sister who lives very close to mom and told her to get over there ASAP. By the time I got home, my fears were confirmed. I was too late.

My brother had hanged himself in my parent’s basement. My mom was alone at the time. She had gone looking for him when she noticed he was not nearby in the family room. She was cooking dinner for him, while he was resting on the sofa.

When she searched the basement, he was there at the bottom of the stairs hanging from the curtain tie-back that he used to kill himself. By the time I arrived, my sister was there with mom. They were both screaming. I tried to maintain my composure, hoping that I was not too late. I attempted CPR. I was too late. I continued until the paramedics arrived to confirm that he was dead. There was nothing I could do. I was too late for my loving brother. I was too late to stop the pain that won’t go away from my mother’s heart.


I leave nearby my mom, so I call and visit her daily. It pleases her when I and my sister and brother are nearby. Some days she is able to take her mind off of things. Some days she cannot. The sadness in her eyes never goes away though. The only thing we children can do now is to try to keep her busy and her mind off her son who had a mental disease and we could not get him help in time.

In hindsight we should have taken him to emergency prior to that Wednesday. We did not realize how bad he was. I am sure he did not even realize it. All we know is that the depth of his troubles were already deeper than we realized or he sunk deeper and faster than anyone could see.

I do not read this forum much. David Sklansky noticed your post and alerted us on the Science, Math, Philo thread to your post. When I read his post, I came over here and read what he was referencing. To tell you the truth I haven’t even read all of your post yet. I skimmed it quickly and started to write this to you.

If there is anyway I can get you to see that you have friends here on 2+2 I would. The only thing I can tell you is that you do. I think we are almost like David’s children here. (and I am 49 years old and feel that). If you have ever read SMP forum you would know that David and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum as far has our beliefs. (He started a series of religion questions a while back and got me hooked on the forum.) He and I tangle a bit - not so much anymore - but the reason he even posts is because he cares about us. He cares for you too. That was proven when he alerted us that a fellow 2+2er in need.

(For the record, they are a bunch of idiots over there and I feel almost obligated to set them straight on a few things. It is tiring, but they are family. Actually, they are actually pretty smart folk. So they might be of some help to you. Hopefully, you have heard from some already. If not you will be.)

I am going to get this ready to post to you so as not to waste anymore time.

Just know this for now and then I will read your thread and see if I can add anything:

What you are going through is a disease. It is just like cancer. If you had cancer you would get to the doctor and not think a thing about it. Get there now.

Have someone, your parents or whoever take you to the nearest hospital that can deal with phsych patients. It is no shame to admit you need help in this time in your life. You will be well soon if you get the medical help you need. If you have no one (again, I have to read your post again and the thread) stay here with us and chat. Or call a help line or even 911.

Please feel free to PM. I would be happy to help you get through this. And you will get through this. Life is too short to worry about nonsense things. Don’t worry what others are doing. Just deal with yourself right now. That you are sick and need healed.

But, please do not try anything rash. Your life has value - all of ours do. Talk to your family and tell them what is going on.

I am rambling. I’ll be back to post in a bit.

RJT

[Alex/Mugaaz]

I'm only posting this story in hopes it will be some help since I really don't enjoy others knowing my life story.

I was in a similar situation since my family moved around 8 times (3 internationally) for a variety of reasons. The result was that I was more or less always the outsider in any social setting and the language barriers didn't help either. Then my family moved backed to the states again and my parents ended up getting a divorce around the time I was in 9th grade. My dad moved out and we had little dealings with each other since we really didn't like each other. My mom responded to the divorce by becoming a world class alcoholic, doing virtually nothing but drinking or being passed out for 3 years, while somehow decieving everyone else about this successfully.

The result of this was that I had to play a surrogate dad to my little brother who got along even less with my dad. I had to make sure my mom didn't drive him to school drunk, or forge her checks to order food when she was passed out, all the while raising myself. This caused me so much stress I ended up getting severely sick. The stress was causing me to be constipated to such a degree that the stool backed into my intestine causing severe cramps and supposedly soem poisoning. So while all this was going on I had to spend a few months giving myself enemas. Basically my life was complete [censored].

Finally I confronted my mother about the drinking and ended up getting kicked out. I had to walk to my dad's residence and live with him for the next year and a half. This was by far the worst part of my life. I don't know why really, but more or less we hate each other, and there isn't much point on elaborating why. I walked around on tiptoes for the entire stay and played surrogate manservant while I lived with him. He ended up moving and I had to pack every single thing perfectly and then drive his car down cross country so I could unpack everything. I seriously pretty much hated every waking moment of my life. Finally I had some money saved up and realized I had a small nest egg in my name for college that was awarded to me during the divorce proceedings.

I moved out and went to school in ND. My life didn't change overnight, but within 3 months every negative aspect of my life that I hated was completely turned around. For the first time I was completely in charge of my life, no one else could interfere with the course or outcome I chose. If something was wrong or didn't go my way it was completely my fault, and if the same was true I was the one who did it. I finally felt good about my life. The greatest thing was when I conquered my obesity and became really fit.

Don't judge your life by the way it is now. Life is nothing like it is in high school with guardians watching over you. Life will change drastically soon, and your results won't be altered or determined by others. You will be in direct control of your life, and there isn't more then you can ask for then that.

I recommend taking up a hobby like body building, it really is one of the greatest rehabilitators for depressed people or people who feel like their life isn't theirs to control. Poker isn't a good hobby for someone in your position. There is too much luck and you have nothing to fall back on if things go south.

I hope this post helped you and provides some hope.
Good Luck.

[RJT]

Luckyinthefuture,

I just re-read your posts and would like to hear more about you. How old are you? From your OP, I got the impression that you are now out of school. Is that so. You live alone it sounds like. Doesn’t sound like you talk with your parents that often.

Anyway, you can have a swing of 20k within a week? Man, and I am still nickel and diming the low limit tables trying to get my poker act together. I just started playing earlier this year. Some days, I think I know what I am doing. Then other days like this evening when I played in a $200NL home game and got my ass kicked, I think wtf. I might never get it together (sound familiar - not referring to poker for you, of course?).

Well, you seem to be telling me you got a good game of poker. I am a college graduate and have a decent career and tonight I feel like an idiot.

The thing to keep in mind is that things can change - and they do change. That is what is so great about life. One day we feel thankful to be alive another day you wish you were never born. That is what it is all about. It is the journey.

It sounds to me like you haven’t had a good day in perhaps along while. Things change, guy.

Tell me more about your emotional state. A few days before my brother killed himself, he told me he was suicidal. I asked him if he really felt like killing himself or if he just wished he was dead. He said “What is the difference?”

Well, I have many times in my life when I was down, felt like I wish I was just dead. I am not sure that I have actually been suicidal or not. I never got to the point that I seriously thought about it. It was just periods of depression - although, I don’t think it was “depression” per se, just being down. I think I know now the difference between what I have felt and what my brother was feeling.

Do you have any thoughts about what I wrote in the last paragraph makes any sense? I am just wondering if it does. Not trying to diagnose you.

Tell me some more about yourself. You must be doing something right. I am amazed with people like you who can get their act together with this poker gig. (And, btw, I am no dummy - used to be quite good with math in my day. Brain atrophied a bit over the years, but I’ll get it eventually. I am just in too big of a rush to get there is all.)

If you do not have any family or friends you can talk to, do you have a religion? There are a lot of folk here who are not, so I don’t assume one way or the other. If you are then you should be able to talk with someone in your church. It doesn’t matter if you are a member or not. If you have a religion , let me know and I can suggest ways to approach someone in a church, so you don’t fall through the cracks. I am fairly active in my church, so I know with the shortage of help - that could happen.

I know whenever I have problems - once I talk about them, they seem to lessen. You have to talk about things. With someone professional if that is the case or here for a bit. Either way, you will get through this.

I hate to keep rambling on, but hopefully we can talk about this some more here(or PM if you want) and help you. Or help you to get help.

RJT

dude, throw me a pm, I'll be glad to talk. I was there, just sit back for a second, and you'll be cool.

pm me.

David Sklansky, the famous opera singer and jazz pianist told me to come here and read of your plight. Take it from a person who was thrown into trashcans in high school and whose mother is a drug addict, identity thieving whore: drink liquor, and lots of it. You may be saying to yourself, "He's only saying this because he's drank enough bourbon tonight to drown a dolphin." I won't be getting into the validity of such comments. What I can tell you is that if you have cats, don't assume the black/grey mass on the floor is a feather duster. I just stepped on a kitten. I feel my advice is getting lost in my deep and somewhat opaque language. I'll lay it out for you in bullet form.

-Everytime I think about suicide I download the hottest Asian slut porn I can find and have my way with myself in a way that would make baby jesus cry.

-I was watching 'On Demand' and navigated my way to find a poker section that had David Sklansky. He was talking about limit holdem and Omaha 8/B. Him and Mike Matusow dominated the talk, and a somewhat uncomforable Todd Brunson chimed in every now and then. David's kind of cute with his beard.

-If you step on a cat make sure you pick it up and cover its mouth to muffle the cries. My kitten has been yelping for a long time now and it woke my girlfriend up she's throwing yarn and buttons at me and is wondering why the cat limps a few steps then falls over like a sleeping cow.

-Your feelings will pass, I [censored] promise.

I hope you end up feeling better. I know I did and I wish the best of luck to you.

Hey

Thank you very much for taking time to write that(and everybody else aswell)

I haven't really give serious thought for making the suicide, it's more like I know if things continue this way who knows what will happen. So far I have had some faith that everything will turn around. Problem is I don't have the tools to do so, or I don't know how to use them. Yes I just actually turned 20 and live alone. My relationship with parents is bit problematic, I haven't see my father couple of years - after my parents got divorced, I meet mother regularly, but it feel more like some business appointment, I tried to talk about to her about my situation but response was something like "Don't pretend that depression crap" and I thought to let it be then.

You are indeed correct that I don't even remember when I would had a good day, or even a day when I wouldn't have felt bad inside.

Church is bit problematic, I used to think I'm atheist, but then something weird happened when I was at about my lowest point.. something that just seems to weird to be an accidence. Yes even tho of the current situation I feel like I'm now going to right direction..

Lycky

[Snoogins47]

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Hey

Thank you very much for taking time to write that(and everybody else aswell)

I haven't really give serious thought for making the suicide, it's more like I know if things continue this way who knows what will happen. So far I have had some faith that everything will turn around. Problem is I don't have the tools to do so, or I don't know how to use them. Yes I just actually turned 20 and live alone. My relationship with parents is bit problematic, I haven't see my father couple of years - after my parents got divorced, I meet mother regularly, but it feel more like some business appointment, I tried to talk about to her about my situation but response was something like "Don't pretend that depression crap" and I thought to let it be then.

You are indeed correct that I don't even remember when I would had a good day, or even a day when I wouldn't have felt bad inside.

Church is bit problematic, I used to think I'm atheist, but then something weird happened when I was at about my lowest point.. something that just seems to weird to be an accidence. Yes even tho of the current situation I feel like I'm now going to right direction..

Lycky

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BTW, I know you've gotten like 8000 of these, but if you need somebody else to talk to, or you're just bored, PM me, and we can hook up on AIM or something... being only a few months older, and having had a bit of trouble myself, at the very least, it might not be completely boring.

Lucky,

I’ve suffered from major depression and anxiety since 8th grade. I have also tried a number of ways of combating it.

You should definitely see a doctor ASAP! He will most likely suggest medication and some are much better than others. I have tried the following:

Prozac: highly effective against depression after about 3 wks, but it gave me some mild visual hallucinations (vivid colors mostly).

Paxil: did absolutely nothing, might as well have been a sugar pill.

Zoloft: made me want to hurt others instead of myself.

Wellbutrin: somewhat effective against depression, but it made sleep impossible and gave me the shakes.

Xanax: knocked me out completely, could not function, super bad hallucinations when I quit.

Valium: took away paranoia and left me able to function at an almost normal level (sleepy but still awake). Did nothing to help with the depression. No serious problems when I quit.

Colonzepam: keeps mood mostly stable (not super happy or super sad, just normal), eliminates paranoid thoughts, and does not create a “high” like the others, no addictive properties that I have noticed.

Of course everybody is different and a doctor would be able to give you a more accurate and complete list of the benefits and risks of each available option.

You should also try some holistic remedies.

1. Phototherapy: full spectrum light (sunlight) triggers serotonin production. You need at least 20 min every day.

2. Exercise: releases endorphins and builds confidence.

3. Charity work: feeling that others need you can distract you from your own misery.

I hope you feel better soon!