Cancer

[Gugel]

It is said that the tears of Chuck Norris cure cancer.

[Gugel]

Too bad he has never cried.

[NLSoldier]

*

[mr_whomp]

Reminds me of an email I got the other day...


> The Biography Chuck Norris
>
> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
> punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
> beard. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to
> kittens and roundhouse kick them. The chief export of Chuck Norris is
> pain. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When
> Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
> because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he
> gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy
> question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the
> devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
> Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
> devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
> irony, couldn't stay
> mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
> They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once
> asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not
> respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris's
> girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a
> woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
> PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
> girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with
> Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
> statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
> of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his
> urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The
> original theme song to the Transformers was actually
> "Chuck Norris--more
> than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
> Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
> Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for
> a single show, however, so it was divided. To prove it isn't that big of
> a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a
> day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them
> from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
> Armstrong. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
> the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
> Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
> influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
> died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris can make a
> woman
> climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris once
> shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" After much
> debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima
> rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
> was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
> can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck
> Norris does not sleep. He waits. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck
> Norris. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white
> people just to prove he isn't a racist. Chuck Norris is currently suing
> NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right
> legs. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
> yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
> lost
> my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend. If you ask
> Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After
> you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
> face. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
> includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
> Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Filming on location for Walker:
> Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
> giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang
> back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
> the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck
> giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris lost his
> virginity before his dad did. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked
> someone so hard that his foot broke the
> speed of light, went back in
> time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific
> Ocean. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
> the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
> his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
> amazement. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
> gets the information he wants. There are no disabled people. Only people
> who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever
> saying the word. He simply beat the living [censored] out of everything that
> was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris once lined up to
> kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the
> football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field
> goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the
> baby 60
> yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
> stadium. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
> from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
> also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
> meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Macgyver can
> build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill
> him and take it. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck
> Norris. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's
> hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
> roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure
> that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris
> carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the
> bag and
> throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact. God offered
> Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super
> strength roundhouse ability. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey
> one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went
> into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey,
> ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
> cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had
> done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
> question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of
> all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him
> holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of
> clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.