Fearful

[arkady]

My first post on the psych. forum - something must have happened to me. I had my first losing month in July and it was a substantial drop. Let's say before RB in terms of thousands, it was almost as big as my best month. I play 10/20 6max. I figured first losing month in 1.5 years is possible and I just decided to cut down on tables and play my best this month.

Well I been doing real well, playing a mix of 10/20 and 15/30 6max, even had a friend look over HHs and seriously tried to improve my game. But there has a been fundamental change that happened. I must stress that I am doing well this month, in fact abnormaly well and realize that this will inevitably end. This knowledge and something else is actually scaring me from playing. If I am up a lot, I stop - I don't want to "give it back". I am very close to recovering all my losses from last month and am now reluctant to play. I don't want to "give it back". Ironically last month when I was losing and losing - I played and played. Now that I am running insanely hot, granted only 4k hands, I can't even convince myself to play. Or if I do sit down and win a bit, I am checking the BR and making excuses to stop. I reflect on the few times I had hot runs and ended up losing most of it and feeling miserable. I don't want to do it again...but what sense does this make?

I remember back in my poker infancy back in 3/6 days, if I was winning I wouldnt stop. I would only stop due to physical constraints, now I am stopping due to some unusual fear I cannot control.

It's perverted and I know it, I was dealing with signs of this a few months ago, but it has now been exacerbated after the mega loss. If only I could shake this fear I would enjoy winning again.