Losing Weight Fast

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Gastric bypass. You can have a friend do it under local anesthesia if you are really ballsy. Heat the steak knifes and staple gun on the stove to kill bacteria and get to work.

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Actually laughed out loud.

[BadBoyBenny]

If you can get prescribed to adderall or ritalin they will kill you appetite.

[sloshr]

Atkins for short term weight loss - Weight Watchers for lifestyle/long term weight loss.

[JihadOnTheRiver]

Research that show "The Biggest Loser". Those fat bastards lose a shitton of weight in only a couple months or so.

[ChipWrecked]

Eat larger meals early in the day, smaller meals later, do not eat anything past 6PM.

[jaydub]

DNP and it's not even close.

[Shajen]

I recommend Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters.

Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That's me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I've lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It's this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, "Isn't crystal meth illegal?" You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a small canyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here's my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you'll drop weight so fast you'll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I'm not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In my case, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager's fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I'm wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don't try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you're serious about weight loss, then you shouldn't be afraid to.. "Ride The Snake!" [ "Ride The Snake" graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let's talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster! And, in eight days, by "Riding The Snake".. [ "Ride The Snake" graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I've never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it's worth it, because, these days, when I'm wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I'm.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let's hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I'm taking those speed pills of yours, and I'm wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by "Riding your Snake", not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I'm the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I've got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don't mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango's method, and within days you'll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you're a porky puke, don't be afraid! Come "Ride The Snake!" [ "Ride The Snake" graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you'll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[TimM]

Atkins induction. I lost 25 lbs in the first month.

About a few hours before the weigh in, put on a vinyl suit or a trashbag underneath a lot of warm clothing, jack up the heat in your house, and break a sweat. Curl up in a ball until you stop sweating, repeat. Depending on how much you sweat, you can definitely lose up to 8 pounds in an hour-hour and a half.

[CourtesyFlush]

I think your best bet is:

drink lots and lots of water

as much cardio a day as you can stand, preferably running as it burns the most calories

eat very small low carb meals/snacks throughout the day, like every 2-3 hours to keep your metabolism going strong

don't have anything to eat within 3 hours of going to bed

probably want to take a multivitamin as your diet won't be providing you with much