Post College Depression

I had originally post this in my blog but I figured I might as well through it in the psychology forum as it might help some people, or I might get some good comments. Or it might go unnoticed with 50 views and no responses. Either way is OK.


I have been reading a lot about people getting caught up in playing poker for a living and losing sight of important aspects of life. I was feeling the same way.

I apologize for the shitty writing, but this isn't meant to be a heavily edited piece of work. Just some random thoughts I felt like typing out.
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Post College Depression

I want to take a minute and discuss some things that I've been thinking about a lot lately. When I was in college I was taught a lot of things about life, and I was given the education I needed to get a job. My entire childhood focused around going to high school...then going to college...then getting a job...then saving enough money to be happy...then being happy. And that's it. That's what adults, from parents to teachers to coaches, tell kids as they are growing up. Get a job, and everything will take care of itself.

What they don't tell you is that getting a job, or making money, does not equal being happy. Getting a job helps, and being financially secure goes a long way in giving one the freedom to do different things, but it does not mean everything.

I am making enough money playing poker that I should not have been depressed over the last few months. Yet I was. The words I am writing cannot begin to express what I've been feeling since I graduated school back in May. The fufillment that everyone told me would be there after I ended school just wasn't there. And I know I am not alone in this.

The constant questions that surrounded my thoughts were haunting. I was having nightmares for the first time in my life. Waking up in a cold sweat. Questioning my purpose in life. Thinking about where my life was going. I was getting urges to "gamble" for the first time , and I mean gamble outside of poker on games I could never win. I was starting to think that maybe a quick hit would make me happy. One quick hit and I could start a business, and I'd be happy. It took all of my energy to supress these feelings, and I kept reminding myself that if I wanted to play poker I couldn't stray from the path.

I am not one to talk about feelings, but I felt like I was blowing up inside. I needed to tell somebody. I tried telling one friend, but when I started she told me she didn't want to know what I was thinking. I thought maybe that was a blessing in disguise, that if I just let it drop it would go away, but it didn't. A few days later it was still hautning me, and I really just needed to talk to someone. So at the beginning of the week, one night when I was overtired and just wrapping up my nightly poker session, I began chatting on AIM to a friend in LA. When I mentioned what I was feeling, she told me that she was feeling exactly the same way. We talked for a while and I began to feel better about myself. I wasn't alone. In fact, I realized that many recent grads were feeling the same way. It's just a natural part of moving on.

I felt a lot better since then. It's amazing how much a little conversation can help one's perspective. I also realized that many of my activities are "alone" activities that are contributing to how I was feeling. I play poker, play my guitar, write short stories as a hobby, and even the sport I love to play, racquetball, isn't the most vocal sport in the world.

I took a trip up to foxwoods on Tuesday to play poker. They have a great 5/10 game with a kill that plays more like party's .5/1. I found that playing poker with other people, people I can actually talk to, is a great way to avoid the grind of staring at a computer screen, listening to music, and having conversations on AIM.

I'm also thinking of volunteering at the nursing home my mother works at, just a few hours a week, to have an activity where I interact with others. I was thinking about a part time job but I don't really need the crappy pay I'd be getting and I don't want to be committed to certain hours each week.

For my last thing I'll just say this. I really feel the key to life is forming and maintaining relationships. And not just sexual relationships. I mean relationships with friends and family. Next time your at the table don't be afraid to ask the person next to you where he is from. Say hello to the stranger in the elevator. Smile to the grocery store cashier as she rings up your food. Send a random message to old friends and ask how they are doing. I am finding these things go a long way in life, and I feel that everything else will just fall into place.