My girlfriend wants me to stop playing!

[coffeecrazy1]

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You don't know the history. You just have your own experience which, by what I can see, has made you extremely bitter towards women.

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You don't know the history either. And, no I'm not at all bitter towards women. I just understand how they work.


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Well I can speak as a married man

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So can I.


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You said at the end of your post "NEVER acknowlege that her demand for you to stop playing poker had anything to do with your change in behavior" This statement alone tells me that you have no idea what you are talking about.

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Ohhhh....so knowledgable. So sensitive.

The reason you change your behavior, but refuse to acknowledge that her demand caused the change is because her demand had nothing to do with the real issue. Why would you ever reward someone for trying to hold your enjoyable hobbies hostage? If the issue is truly that you are neglecting your girlfriend, then FIX IT. The poker playing is a red herring so there's no reason to bring it to the bargaining table.

Relationships are about learned behavior. All men and women are, to an extent, trained by their partners to learn behavior patterns. If you want your wife or girlfriend to learn that the best way to get what she wants is to hold hostage the things that are important to you, then just go ahead and do the sensitive enlightened male routine each time she makes a demand.

What you seem to miss here, in your rush to show us primitives here how much more sensitive and caring you are, is that I'm not arguing for brute force ALL OF THE TIME.

There are times to communicate and empathize. In my opinion, this isn't one of them.

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I agree with Hobbes. It is one thing to be insensitive to how the woman is feeling. Nobody should blow someone off like that.

HOWEVER, neither men nor women should change a behavior or hobby of theirs at the request of their significant other, UNLESS it is something they want to change themselves. If the OP truly feels as though he plays poker too much, then perhaps this is an easy thing to give up.

But, my reading of the OP was that he looks at poker like it's his job, and he does not want to change that. If he said to himself, prior to her bringing it up, "Hey, you know...I think I want to play poker a little less and start hanging with my girlfriend more," I don't think anyone would begrudge him that, because that's HIS choice about what matters most to him.

But, her saying what she wants him to change and him changing it is not about love or "the relationship" or anything else...it's about POWER.

Where is Dr. Al when we need him?

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If you read my posts, you will see that I have NEVER advocated him giving up even ONE MINUTE of poker.

Here is the thing - if, after he has attempted to be understanding and attempting to work things out in an open and communicative way, she replies with "well, that's all well and good, but I still want you to only play 3 hours of poker a week", THEN and ONLY THEN, would I say that she is being controlling and should be sent packing.

See, my problem is that so many guys just assume that it is how it is and go from there - all I have been saying is that the FIRST step should be to attempt to understand where she is coming from - the FIRST step should be to be understanding and to try and address the underlying issues.

If that attempt doesn't work, then at least you know that you TRIED to work things out.

And Hobbes - I hope you don't think I am some pushover pussy or something. I'm not. I just believe that there is usually more to what people are feeling than what they are saying - and for a relationship to work, the first step has to be to accept that you probably don't really know what is going on inside your partner's head until you really try and work it out with them.

I think that you and I probably would agree on more things than is apparent.

Maybe this is the sort of discussion that should be more appropriately be had over a couple of shots of Jack.

Respect.

E

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Fair enough...and Hank, I'm not that far off from what you said, either. I think I was trying to cover all the bases, not flame your perspective.

[The Don]

I think everyone is underestimating the value of getting laid. Just keep playing and lie about it, that is obviously the best solution. Or maybe some deal where you go down on her once per week for every 10 hours of play.

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And Hobbes - I hope you don't think I am some pushover pussy or something. I'm not. I just believe that there is usually more to what people are feeling than what they are saying - and for a relationship to work, the first step has to be to accept that you probably don't really know what is going on inside your partner's head until you really try and work it out with them.

I think that you and I probably would agree on more things than is apparent.



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I get what you're saying. Women are often indirect in communicating what the real issue is. Our only disagreement is whether, in this particular case, it should be acknowledged. I say no, but only because this is one of a handful of issues (time spent pursuing your own interests) that I believe a man should fight for aggressively.

But I absolutely agree that if our hero is neglecting his woman, then he needs to correct his behavior ASAP.

Your advice of talking things through is good in most cases, but if you're married you know as well as I that women are capable of neverending "conversations" that fail to come to a resolution. Sometimes a man just needs to put his foot down and say, "My answer is no. End of discussion." It might piss your spouse off in the short term, but selective application of this technique ultimately wins you respect and peace in your household. Women don't want to be domineered anymore than do men, but they do want us to lay down the law once in awhile.

I feel your pain. I say I play this many hands and she doesnt believe me. So I pull out my PT stats and bam, conversation over.

[adsman]

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"Adam, I want you to play 3 hours/week or less!"

She doesn't threaten. She doesn't go into hysterics. She merely expresses her opinion.


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Saying, 'I want,' is not expressing your opinion. It is saying how you think things are going to be. This may seem trivial, but it is very important.

Numerous posters have said, 'do it behind her back, or when she's not there.' What is this? Is she your mother? Do you have to hide things from her? Are you scared of her? Are you the type who quickly turns the computer off when she comes in the door? Do you have any balls?

But the thing that gets me the most is the fact that women seem to think that they have the right to mould our lives. It starts with little things and before you know it, you're wearing polo shirts with little aligators on them.

But you try moulding a womans life and see how far you get. At the first hint of interference the spiked heel comes down hard. Try telling a woman she should buy less shoes, or less handbags, or spend less time at the coffee shop with her friends because she's neglecting you, and see how far you get. At best she will smile and brush it off as a funny little joke. And then she'll go to her friends and say;
"Can you believe it? Joel actually told me that I should spend less time with you."
"You're kidding! Who does he think he is?"
"He says we should spend more time together."
"To do what? Talk about football?" (raucus laughter.)

I never feel the need to interfere in my girlfriends life. She can do what the hell she wants. And I can do what I want. But only because certain boundaries and groundrules were set up.
I've only ever met one girl in my life who didn't pull this crap, and I let her get away. The biggest mistake of my fecking life.

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But the thing that gets me the most is the fact that women seem to think that they have the right to mould our lives. It starts with little things and before you know it, you're wearing polo shirts with little aligators on them.


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Don't be mad about it. They simply can't help themselves.

And some of this "moulding" is necessary. Without women, we'd just spend all of our time knocking each other about with clubs. Women bring us culture and smooth out our rough edges. Nothing wrong with that.

I've been in here arguing an uncompromising line on this particlar scenario, but I don't believe this is the best tactic in all cases.

There's nothing wrong with letting your girlfriend or wife pick out the shoes or clothing you wear. Honestly, you'll end up looking a lot sharper if you do. Just retain veto power over stuff you really hate and you'll do just fine.

It may be that she feels threatened by you playing poker. In other words, your poker playing is taking time away from her. I had the same problem w/ my girlfriend about me playing in a pool league. My solution was to get her involved in pool, and that seemed to clear up the matter. It took awhile to get her there but it worked out well. I'm married to her now. If she is open minded you may want to try that route. Good luck


whodatdare

[BUD]

Just a suggestion, but you may want her to take alook at this thread. At the very least she will get to see what a nice guy you are compared to most, when you tell her your going to keep playing poker.

[Autocratic]

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Just a suggestion, but you may want her to take alook at this thread. At the very least she will get to see what a nice guy you are compared to most, when you tell her your going to keep playing poker.

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"You're asking for advice about me on the Internet?"

Bad play.

[vexvelour]

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Just a suggestion, but you may want her to take alook at this thread. At the very least she will get to see what a nice guy you are compared to most, when you tell her your going to keep playing poker.

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"You're asking for advice about me on a POKER forum ?"

Bad play.

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FYP