Favorite lines from Seinfeld

[FoxwoodsFiend]

[ QUOTE ]

Line delivered by Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller), arguably my favorite character on the show.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's weird-you don't know who your own favorite character is? Or do other people argue about it?

[WEASEL45]

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!

Jerry: What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What?? My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown!
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write off?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.


Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.
Kramer: So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'
Jerry: Yes, we did.
Kramer: Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'
Jerry: Boy.
Kramer: It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs.
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea.

[ScottyP431]

These are really some pittiful quotes, the only 2 that even deserve to be in the "best of seinfeld" category that have been mentioned are the write off and kramers NYU intern

Others
Kramer: Some big holywood so and so optioned my coffe table book for a movie
George: the one with the little legs? how are they gonna make a movie out of that
Kramer: tou remember that picture book of toy ray guns? Independance day

Kramer: ill tell you what we do, we take the license plates, scratch the id number of the engine block and we walk away. Report the car as stolen, then insurance will get you a new one
Jerry: Isn't there a deductable?
Kramer: Ok whats your deductable?
Jerry: i dont know
Kramer: Thats cause they've already deducted it
Jery: From what
Kramer: From the car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car

George: Quick, whats your favorite animal
Kid: Um, err, i dont know, frog
George: Frog? Frog is wrong


Basically the entire episode the Burning is one of the best written sit coms of all time

George: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The
old switcheroo.

Jerry: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it
with the other person's.

George: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.

Jerry: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio
did to her.

George: Well that's the gist of it!

George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?

Elaine: I did.

George: And the Christian rock?

Elaine: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!

George: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?

Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?

Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel
misled.

George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.

[Benal]

Newman eating broccoli: "Vile Weed!"

[theredwave]

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?
KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.
KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

Kramer: Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

Elaine: Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.
Kramer: Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.
Elaine: No they don't.
Kramer: Are they war veterans?

George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp!

Kramer: I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

[lucas9000]

BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

JERRY: I try.

BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRY: Certainly not.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

[blatz]

Bookman rant is awesome...and i laughed at the writeoff dialogue for at least 30 seconds...

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Oh yes, the jerk store called, they're running low on you!" --George.

[touchfaith]

"I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in." - Jerry

"I think it moved." - George

"Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on." - Elaine

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!" - Kramer

"I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood." - Jerry

"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution." - George

"I'm speechless. Speechless! I have no speech." - George

"Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off and all it says now is K-UGER."
"K-UGER. That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K-UGER! K-UGER!"
"You are too much, Mr. Kruger. Too much!"
"Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me!"
"What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger."
"It's K-UGER!"
- George and Mr. Kruger

"Serenity now! Serenity now!"
"What is that?"
"The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"
"Are you supposed to yell it?"
"The man on the tape wasn't specific."
- Frank and George

"Now I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies." - Kramer

[stankybank]

anything Kramer says I find to be pretty funny.

[LotsOfOuts69]

"Hey George, Little Jerry just ran from here to Newmans in under 30 seconds"

"Is that good?'

"I dunno."