Having to give it all up for good (long message), advice appreciated

[adanthar]

You sound like you do actually have a gambling problem based on that post, which your wife was terrified of. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. We're all armchair psychologists here (except for the occasional actual doc, I suppose) - take .3 of those BB's, go see a shrink and be honest about everything.

Your ex was an evil bitch who threw a vase and cheated on you, used A HOBBY YOU WERE GOOD AT AND GAVE UP FOR HER as an excuse and you are far better off without her.

Telling your next girlfriend everything up front will get you a rejection or two but you'll be far better off for it.

PS: My GF of 2+ years doesn't mind at all/encourages me despite never having heard of the game prior to dating me, so yes, it's possible.

[na4bart]

Be a doctor, play poker, get married, have kids and enjoy your life. You just got a lemon the first time, she was the exception not the rule. The people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter...

[arkady]

great response. While it may be very damaging to "trash" one's ex, having an asthma attack over someone who played for an hour is down right lunacy.

[peachy]

Im writing fron a girls point of view here...so maybe that will help. Most girls (not saying me) have problems emotionally with things taking time away from them, its human nature, so possibly this was the source of her anger, etc.

Avid, as some know, is my best friend, so I can relate this towards him in a way. Like he said he is VERY similar to u in the "all or nothing" area, more than anyone I have ever met in my life, and at times it drives me nuts!

When he started playing poker it was all he did, read, thought, etc. and the same goes for all the other hobbies he has - he learns them inside out, perfects them, and this takes a good amount of his time. Now, here is what is important. I care about him, he is a dear friend of mine, therefore after he explains to me why he enjoys it and I see how important it is to him, I choose to accept the fact that he is going to play and yes this is going to lessen the time I get to spend with him, BUT out of care I "understand", although I may not be jumping for joy. (And he kinda had to beat it into mah head hehe well it took him explaing a few times anyway...so have patience!!...but then again I am not the brightest bulb in the box and i have have this small "the whole world revolves around me complex" but hey!! it only took a FEW times!!!)

When you remarry, I have no doubt that you can find a girl that understands your passions in life and/or hobbies, we might be few and far between BUT nevertheless we r out there! Never give up who u r for others b/c it will only come back to haunt u in the long run! U cannot change the person u r deep within, and that person will eventually surface. Now if "gambling" was hurting u in some way or u had no control over it I could understand her concern, but from what u posted it was not a problem for u, it was something u enjoyed, therefore I think it was something she should have accepted. I am sorry for ur loss, but everything happens for a reason and works out for the best.

Another option in the future might be to teach her how to play poker. Avid did this, and it allowed me to gain back some of that lost time with him as a friend, and it is something I enjoy. Although he may have created a monster! And i may be very angry at him one day! So when the guys have poker nights here I am always invited and they get a huge kick out of a girl who plays poker! So give that approach a whirl and see how it fits [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Either way, even if she doesnt like it she should still respect it and allow you to have that time doing what you love, or she doesnt love you. Through many boyfriends were didnt always PERFECTLY match, and i actually enjoyed that alone time I got to have while he was doing "his" thing: I got to relax, go shopping, hang out with the guys or girls, go to football games, anything I wanted, and I will never give up that luxury therefore I would never expect any guy Im with or any friend to give up something they enjoyed. It will work out for the best!! Good luck!!!!!

[Mizzles]

Wow. I never expected such a large number of responses. Thanks for all of those who shared their thoughts. I especially thank AviD for his well thought out and excellent response. Peachy it was nice to hear a response from a female on this topic.

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LILFELLER: “this sounds like a symptom of compulsion, you should seek help”

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Yes and no. In my college days, yes, I’ll admit it was a serious problem. For one, I was getting my ass kicked and losing money. I was 19 back then. Those days I was playing blackjack, craps, sports betting, I was truly out of control. I was missing classes. All that is long gone, I wouldn’t go near a house game now, I’m too smart for that. It is NOT a compulsion but a drive to be the best, to master the game. It does not affect my daily work at all and would never affect my family. The only reason it affected my last marriage is because initially I never thought it would affect her in that way. But when I realized it was (althought it took me a month), I basically gave it up.

For those of you who said I should let them my future girlfriends know in advance of my hobby, that’s fine but much easier said than done! Most women would probably think I was trying to rationalize my gambling habit.

ME: “Oh by the way I play poker as a hobby.”
HER: “You play for money?”
ME: “Yes, but I always win in the long run, I’m very good and I do it for the love of the game”
HER: (thinking to her self) “You always win, mmhmmm. Sounds like you have a gambling problem.”

As surfdoc said, it is hard for someone without a deep understanding of the game to really know the reality of the situation. After all, say I was a true reckless gambler, how else would I present myself? In the same exact manner! I mean think of an divorced person who tells his new GF he has a drink in once in a while but he has it "under control." What sort of red flags do you think would go up in her mind?? It's the same thing!

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TPIR90036: It sounds to me like you might be addicted to gambling and not just "a big fan of poker. Your wife must have known that you played before if you had been together for 11 years...

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I don’t feel I am addicted to gambling. The only form of “gambling” I have engaged in for the last 15 years is poker. As far as my ex - yes she did know I liked to play poker before we got married, as a matter of fact we went to Atlantic City on several trips together where I would play at the Taj for a while. That’s why I was even so much more shocked at the way she reacted once I started playing once we were married. See she never minded it as a social thing – ie if I played at the casino for fun, or even boys night poker night no problem. It was the internet thing that drove her through the roof – she saw that as an “addiction” rather than a hobby.

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TStoneMBD: the advice many of the posters on this thread should hold true for many addictions other than poker, such as fishing, golfing, working, travelling, etc. there are many things that people feel dedicated to, that make them happy, that their wives would prefer if they spent less time doing. poker should be no different.

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I agree 100% with this statement

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AviD: either am 100% into them or hardly to not into them at all. I don't believe in doing anything half assed, and strive to be the best I can be at everything I do. Poker is no different, so I take it seriously just as I take "fun" things such as my other hobbies just as seriously. So, some are seeing that as a "problem" or an "addiction", whereas I view it as "dedication to excellence".

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I am the same way I couldn’t have said this better myself. This is exactly how I feel!

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AviD: (poker) was merely a scapegoat for her affair. And if was a "reason", it is a weak one as divorce is always an option before having an affair.

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Let me clarify this a bit as others have commented on this. My ex never cited poker as THE reason for her affair. Of course, there were other, much more prominent issues in our marriage. However, when the marriage fell apart she kept talking about that month of online poker over and over. I got an earful on how I began the marriage out in the wrong direction. Although I do think it had a major impact on her psychologically, by the time the affair happened it was 3 yrs old, and really didn’t play a factor, but she just kept talking about it over and over at the end.

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SURFDOC: BTW, doesn't it just suck when some chronic pain patient comes in at 3 am and all you can think about is "hmmmm, I really think a river checkraise would have been the way to go in that hand earlier."

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ROFL!!!!!! This really cracked me up.

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LEON: So good luck to you. Where are you practicing BTW?

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I’m in the washington DC area.

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NA4BART: Be a doctor, play poker, get married, have kids and enjoy your life. You just got a lemon the first time, she was the exception not the rule. The people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter...

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Good post. I like these words.

Again thanks for all the responses! Now if I could only get some comments on that AK hand LOL.

[mythrilfox]

I'm not sure if it was mentioned before, and I'm just a college-age kid so I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I hate the idea of finding someone I love and then compromising my dedication to things I enjoy doing. I don't really think that's love. Sure, you have to work at love, but if working means giving up your ambition for higher ideals, then it cannot and should not be done.

I am sure that when you find a woman you want to (and truly should) marry, she will understand that about you.