opening to my essay

[TheWorstPlayer]

I could post something long and helpful, but I'm too lazy so I'll just say that this opening sucks. Obviously this board can't teach you how to write in this thread, though. Try submitting this one but then actually asking for some feedback from your teacher/professor. Better to learn how to write late than never.

[JaBlue]

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The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier.


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should be:
"The problem with an advanced society is that each new development makes life easier"

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Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower.


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"Machines make the need for manpower obsolete" - maybe add some qualifier like 'In many cases,' up to you really

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New materials and clothing keep the men and women warm rather than forcing them become accustomed to adverse conditions.


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this is very awkward

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Improvements in medicine and the preparation and storage of food create immune systems that are not prepared to deal with the removal of these developments.


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ok

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At the turn of the century Britain was arguably the most advanced nation.


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Which century? We know but you still have to tell the reader

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One could surmise that this enabled them to lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle. Certainly the hardships they had to go through on a daily basis were less than that of the average Boer of South Africa, or even inhabitants of Canada. This meant that Britain’s men were becoming weak.


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"one could surmise" is unnecssary and... dunno how to say... bad.

Then you say "certainly." How do you go from saying "you might suppose" to "definitely?"

Replace 'go through' with face.

"The hardships were... less..."
use a better adjective than 'less'


"the average" is unnecssary. Just say "a"

"or even inhabitants of canada" is in the wrong spot if you want to include it at all

"this meant that britain's men were becoming weak"
This can just be omitted.

You have a lot of work to do. Good luck.