im tired of living

i am real sad. i just dont want to live anymore. i dont care about my future. i always think about dying, but not killing myself. it sucks bcuz im only 20 and there are a lot of people that care about me. im a nice and caring person and i would never do something like that to my family. i have too many problems to even list. i know i would be happy if i could get a beautiful girlfriend. but that will never happen i just know it. i am actually good looking. just my face, not my body. actually im not, i look like some little [censored] boy i think. my body isnt that great, but i know i could easily get laid, but i dont want that, i want to be in love with a really sweet girl. but im real quiest and shy and im probly boring, they wouldnt like me. i was out of my depression a couple years ago and i fell in love with this girl and she just wasnt interested in me at all. and that just really really hurt me. its one thing for some hot slut to not like you, but when a sweet girl like her dont like u, then it just hurts. i feel like im nothing. they are all pressuring me to get a job and i really dont want to. i dont care about money. i feel bad for costing my family money but i really do not want to work.im sad and i cant pretend to be happy and nobody would hire me anyways. plus i dont have enough enery and i am always sleeping at different hours. im so sad that im lookin for replies on an internet forum to feel better. i really dont want to tell anyone in my family that i just dont care about life and i want to die. i just pretend to be normal. nothing makes me happy. mmaybe once in a while i will be in an ok mood. im kind of happy when i play poker. and i think i am very good at it. but after about an hour i just dont care about money and i practically give it away... i have lost hundreds of dollars from just going all in b4 the flop every hand... for $50 to $100 bucks in front of me. im sorry for this stupid post. im just real sad. girls make me sad, so there better not be any woman coming in here saying YSSCKY... why do people say that anyways??? it is not funny at all. people love me and i think my parents would go insane if i did that. im sorry if nobody can read this. i didnt even go to highschool. i feel really stupid for posting this btw. i have aquestion. i knwo theres not a lot of women on here. do girls really like someone for their insides? i have a lot of good qualities, but i think they dont even matter. and what is that suicide hotline.com??? do u go chat with somebody there? i dont know if any mods can get my phone number or address from my IP or whatever, but just dont try to call or write some letter or something to my address trtying to tell someone i want to die. that will cause even more stress. i dont know if i said this, but im too lazy to scroll up, i feel really stupid for writting this. i will probably regret writting this for some reason.