opening to my essay

[pokerdirty]

i'm looking at your guys little flame war going on here, and its pretty funny. im imagining one of you is a cockroach (the lawyer, ha!), and the other one of you is barfing all over the place.

god avatars are fun.

You should know that an extern is not allowed to lay any claim to any opinion that s/he wrote (helped write) while externing for a judge. I externed for a US Appeals justice (3rd Circuit) and a US District Court judge and both were adamant about this.

Other than that, good job on landing a clerkship. If it's federal, even better.

[SackUp]

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You should know that an extern is not allowed to lay any claim to any opinion that s/he wrote (helped write) while externing for a judge. I externed for a US Appeals justice (3rd Circuit) and a US District Court judge and both were adamant about this.

Other than that, good job on landing a clerkship. If it's federal, even better.

[/ QUOTE ]

It must be circuit dependent b/c all 3 judges I have worked for allow me to use the opinions I wrote as writing samples. Two of them just said it was cool and then the court of appeal has a form that says that it is cool, so I can show employers that I'm not using them w/o permission.

All three of mine have been in CA (9th cir), so it must be either different in the 3rd Cir or your judges have certain chambers rules against it.

Anyhow, sorry for the harshness earlier. It is far to easy to criticize freely in OOT. I'm sure you are great writer if you externed for both a circuit judge and a district judge.

[housenuts]

is "turn of the century" generally understood to be the 1900's or does it have to be explicitly stated that it is that "turn" that is being referred to.

i'm revamping my whole essay now thanks to constructive criticism. if anyone actually cares to read the final copy that can be arranged

[housenuts]

how is this? i don't really like my 3rd sentence...

Britain was arguably the most advanced society at the turn of the century. Although the nation as a whole was prosperous, its men were becoming weak. Due to its relatively lengthy history few challenges remained at home to test the moral and physical fortitude of men. Robert Baden-Powell was one of the first to be alarmed by this onset of effete men. He reckoned that without restoration of good character and work ethic amongst youths, the nation was in danger of imminent collapse. Upon his return from the Boer War in South Africa he established the Boy Scouts to combat this deterioration of virile men. Although not established as an imperialist organization, many of its underlying values proved beneficial to the empire.

[LittleOldLady]

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how is this? i don't really like my 3rd sentence...

Britain was arguably the most advanced society at the turn of the century. Although the nation as a whole was prosperous, its men were becoming weak. Due to its relatively lengthy history few challenges remained at home to test the moral and physical fortitude of men. Robert Baden-Powell was one of the first to be alarmed by this onset of effete men. He reckoned that without restoration of good character and work ethic amongst youths, the nation was in danger of imminent collapse. Upon his return from the Boer War in South Africa he established the Boy Scouts to combat this deterioration of virile men. Although not established as an imperialist organization, many of its underlying values proved beneficial to the empire.

[/ QUOTE ]

The problem here is that this sentence "Although the nation as a whole was prosperous, its men were becoming weak" is an assertion that needs support. What evidence is there that British men were in fact becoming weak? and weak in what sense? moral weakness or physical weakness? Less stamina? Less ability to pick up heavy objects? Compromised immune systems? Life expectancy, for example, was increasing, not decreasing. Whatyou need to do is recast the sentence to say something like "there was concern that men were becoming weak" or "some people felt that men were becoming weak." If you just flat out assert that men were becoming weak in whatever sense(s), you must supply supporting evidence. One problem in the third sentence is that 'it' has an ambiguous antecedent. The bigger problem with the third sentence is that it is not merely lengthy history that would lead to few challenges. There are many countries with lengthy histories that are challenged all over the place. Perhaps you mean that Britain's success at empire-building left fewer challenges at home. I still think you ought to get rid of those first three sentences that really don't say much and start right in with Baden-Powell. It is not really important whether ot not Britain's men were becoming effete. What is important to your essay is that Baden-Powell thought they were and that was his motive for founding the Boy Scouts and that the Boy Scouts as an organization promoted imperialist values.

[TheWorstPlayer]

Yes. OP, why don't you write down your 3 biggest points that you want to get across in the most simple short plain english sentences that you can. Then look at those three sentences while you are writing the essay. If you are about to say something in your essay that does not directly relate to one of those three sentences, do not write it. I think you are confusing yourself (and your reader) by trying to be fancy. The best writing is simple, clear writing. Just make your point clearly and logically with good support. That's it. Don't say anything that doesn't have a clear reason for being said.

[JaBlue]

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The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier.


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should be:
"The problem with an advanced society is that each new development makes life easier"

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Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower.


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"Machines make the need for manpower obsolete" - maybe add some qualifier like 'In many cases,' up to you really

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New materials and clothing keep the men and women warm rather than forcing them become accustomed to adverse conditions.


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this is very awkward

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Improvements in medicine and the preparation and storage of food create immune systems that are not prepared to deal with the removal of these developments.


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ok

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At the turn of the century Britain was arguably the most advanced nation.


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Which century? We know but you still have to tell the reader

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One could surmise that this enabled them to lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle. Certainly the hardships they had to go through on a daily basis were less than that of the average Boer of South Africa, or even inhabitants of Canada. This meant that Britain’s men were becoming weak.


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"one could surmise" is unnecssary and... dunno how to say... bad.

Then you say "certainly." How do you go from saying "you might suppose" to "definitely?"

Replace 'go through' with face.

"The hardships were... less..."
use a better adjective than 'less'


"the average" is unnecssary. Just say "a"

"or even inhabitants of canada" is in the wrong spot if you want to include it at all

"this meant that britain's men were becoming weak"
This can just be omitted.

You have a lot of work to do. Good luck.

Please stop saying "men were becoming weak."