Storytime

[peterchi]

Number 1 is funny [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Man I wish I were that quick with retorts.

[DavidC]

[ QUOTE ]
Number 1 is funny [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Man I wish I were that quick with retorts.

[/ QUOTE ]

Once she said, "I don't smoke." I knew I was [censored].

Edit: Actually, as soon as she said, "Well, Dave..." I knew I was [censored].

[JihadOnTheRiver]

OK, I don't know how you guys are going to handle this one, but its as embarassing as i can get.

I was living in Mississippi and my girlfriend was in town for the week. It was a Sunday and some foozball games were on, and my friends lived on a lake and had 4 big screen TVs, all showing a different game, so we were going to go there to do the drinking and watching stuff. So we jump in the car and head there. It's a 20 minute drive and its Mississippi so the drive is all back woods type sh.it. Lots of two lane road, no gas stations or stores.

So about 9 minutes and 59 seconds into the drive, with absolutely zero warning, I suddenly have to sh.it. And its obvious to me that this is one of those dumps that we've all had, that is just NOT going to wait. I decide that since I'm a little bit closer to my house than my friends' place, I need to turn around and go home. So I do that. On the way home I started realizing the extent of my current emergency and began looking for "alternatives". Yes, that's right, I was seriously considering stopping the car on the side of the road and dropping trou right in front of my girlfriend.

But I finally made it home. I did the awkward duc kwalk through the garage and into the house trying not to crap myself. I remember looking at the garbage can in the garage and picturing how I was going to support myself while sh.itting in the can. I JUUUUST made it into the bathroom however. My girlfriend was waiting in the still running car and my roommate was in the living room. I got in there, managed to somehow get the door locked, pulled up the seat, and sat down.

It was one of those times where your as.s knows that the toilet is close, and it wants to go now, so it does. I shat while my ass was still in midair. But I got it done, and had no problems....I thought.

So I sat there for 5 minutes "clearing the mechanism". I was still kinda perched on the front edge of the pot, having not yet fully sat back. I was sweating, and seriously pushing. It was finally time to wipe. I grabbed a ridiculous wad of TP, in anticipation of a legitimate disaster zone back there. I leaned forward, reached back, and wiped. And I froze...

It took me a little while to realize that I had sh.it on my forearm. And a lot of it. Turns out that, in my haste, a large percentage of my load had ended up on the back rim of the toilet seat. And going to wipe, I essentailly dipped my forearm into a pile of sh.it. It was a disaster. To wrap it up, it took me 25 minutes (girlfriend still in the car waiting for me) just to finish up cleaning myself, as I had managed at some point before the "forearm epiphany" to also sit in the sh.it and not notice it. This included a rather intense shower. Then another 10 minutes or so of using everything I could find that had bleach in it to clean up the toilet. The bathroom never smelled the same. I went ahead and told the girlfriend, roommate, and friends, because its a pretty ridiculous story. I now live with the girl, and its been about 2 years since I sh.it myself. How's that for embarassing?

-JOTR

[TheBlueMonster]

AWESOME story.
Once I was sitting on my bed with a girl. I reached over to turn out the light and elbowed her in the face, giving her a blood nose.

[BCPVP]

Along those lines...
I was mini golfing with a bunch of friends. One of my football buddies turns around to ask someone a question when he backhands another friend's gf right in the nose! She started bleeding pretty soon. I couldn't stop laughing. Everytime we tell it I make sure to make it out to be much worse than it was.

[DavidC]

[ QUOTE ]
Along those lines...
I was mini golfing with a bunch of friends. One of my football buddies turns around to ask someone a question when he backhands another friend's gf right in the nose! She started bleeding pretty soon. I couldn't stop laughing. Everytime we tell it I make sure to make it out to be much worse than it was.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh hell yeah, depending on what was happening at the time, you can omit certain things to make it sound really bad:

"She was talking on her cellphone, and my buddy hates that. Next thing you know, he backhands her so hard her nose starts to bleed."

... Then again, this is your FRIEND, right? [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[RustedCorpse]

Can I say getting linked to this story was the highlight of my month.