Can't Make Myself Play Anymore...

[jokerthief]

But then I wouldn't get to play a fun game all day.

[Kenrick]

The only person who can make you stay at a job you don't like is you. If you have a decent work history, didn't call in sick much, etc, (or even if you did), it shouldn't be too hard to get a job you like more. Even something like selling cell phones can pay rather well and doesn't require any college. The main part of a typical sales job is listening to customers and being nice, really.

The $ per hour is secondary in a good job, though. If you can find something you like doing and get paid for it, you are ahead of 95% of everyone else. If you worked at a non-"crappy 3rd-shift job with stupid managers" for less per hour but liked the environment or product, you'd probably enjoy your day more.

For poker, if losing annoys you that much, you need to play at a limit where you don't think about the swings and realize swings are part of the game. If you play carelessly at lower levels, then you need to work on your discipline if you want to improve and that's all there is to it.

I have some concerns about the psychiatrist stuff. I've studied various forms of behavior theory and hypnosis and things, and half the time when I've chatted with psychologists/psychiatrists, they leave me disappointed. Many focus on finding the "why" you have a problem instead of the "how" to fix it. I have to wonder what the psychiatrist is doing if you still need to see him after 10 years. I don't know the specifics, and this is a sore spot with me after realizing how little most professionals know about changing someone's behavior, though.

[HopeydaFish]

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am mildly autistic according to my pyschiatrist

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In all seriousness, mild autism is overdiagnosed (along with adult ADD).

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Don't forget to add Dyslexia to that list (or is that what you call ADD in the States?)

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ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder. Basically it means that someone is hyperactive and can't stay focused.

According to dictionary.com:

Dyslexia is a learning disorder marked by impairment of the ability to recognize and comprehend written words.

Autism is a psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

[MarkL444]

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I've only played 20K hands, and my results so far have been good but not great (slightly over 2BB/100) playing 1/2 (6 max), 2/4, 3/6 and 5/10 (6 max) at Party.

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incase this hasnt already been said. i dont think moving through limits this fast is wise.

[Al Mirpuri]

You sound like a man who says "I could be a champion swimmer, if only I could swim."

If you cannot handle the psychology of poker play then you cannot make a living at it.

Do you think you could be a porn star without having to take any clothes off?

[jimymat]

Life can be rough and with autism your dealt a tough hand. As far as poker your variance is coming from you and your anger at losing money. Poker can be an outlet to everyday boring life. The dream of hitting a big score is what keeps a lot of losing players hanging around. You need to be true to yourself and your capabilities of being a winning player. I see your first problem as extending your bankroll to far. If your down for a session you dont move up in limits to get it back. Thats the worst move you could make. I have a bankroll that allows me to play in the 5-10 NL on PS if I want. I play occasionally but not enogh that they would remember me. I stay in games way under my bankroll so the badbeats wont bother me so bad and it works. Ive built $50 into over 8 grand and play mostly the 1-2 NL. Why? Cause I can multi-table it for more than I make working for the city for 9 years now. Why leave a game and risk my bankroll for some pipe dream that does not have a shot of hitting. I am a winning player but I will never get rich from poker. I am not going to win a million dollar tournament on T.V. Statistically it will not happen for me and the other 99% population of players.

You need to stay down on your game selection and not extend yourself.
You need to keep your day job and use poker to supplement if you can.
Work on not getting pissed off.

[IlliniRyRy]

Ozzzz,

Just wanted to write you a quick note and let you know that there are many people on this forum that can relate to your situation, including me. So first off, you're not a loser. You just think you are. The person that you GENUINELY believe you are is what others will see too. People will feed off your negativity and respond in kind. Fortunately this is a two-way street so if you're positive about life, you'll feel better and people will treat you better. A lot of the issues you're having right now stem from the fact that you're very insecure about your so-called disorder, living situation and your career, and what you're making of your life. You care about how others perceive you and that's understandable. This escape mentality you have is something I can really identify with, and all I can say is that you cannnot escape by playing poker or making some kind of quick fix. Because wherever you go, there you are. The great things in life are always difficult to acheive, that's what makes them so great. I was in your exact same situation about a year ago. I quit my job because I didn't like it, I was living at home with my mom while all my friends had moved out, and I didn't know what to do with my life. I was so tortured psychologically, and even though I've had plenty of experience dealing with downswings in poker, my insecurities about life magnified it tenfold. When you're feeling bad about yourself, it will always carry over to poker. I think it's very important for you right now to figure out what's important to you besides poker, and then go out there and work at it. You should be so grateful that you're young. Be happy about that. Most people (and I mean this literally, it's more than half the population of the entire world) would LOVE to be 24 again. So you don't need to change your life around right away, but you do need to work towards making some changes. I know that's not what you want to hear because it's a hard thing to do. But if you stay genuinely positive about life and do what you need to do, eventually things will work out for you. You can still play poker now but do it in moderation. Set a schedule for yourself, and when you're not playing do something towards reaching your other goals. LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB. I can tell you're an intelligent person, and you're probably not aware of your potential. Get out there and make mistakes. Let go. If you hate your job, then find a new one and quit that damn thing. There's nothing wrong with that.

[Ozzzz]

Rather than reply to individual posts I'm just gonna respond to some of the ideas tossed out so far.

First, thanks for all the responses... they were significantly better on a whole than I expected.

Okay, now the points:

Re: Going back to school - It is a long term goal of mine to get a college degree, but most of my recent attempts have ended up being a waste of money. I simply have very little discipline when it comes to school - if I have no interest in a class I cannot force myself to do the work. I am still paying off student loans and right now don't want to risk spending any more money on school until I have more confidence in my ability to stay with it.

Re: Autism - Yes, I may or may not have autism, and just because a psychiatrist says I do doesn't mean it's true. To tell you the truth it doesn't really matter to me... what's more important is the fact that I:

1) Prefer to be alone. In fact, at times, I really, really, don't want to be around people. Particularly my mom. I don't have any friends, and don't really need any (though occasionally I will chat with people online). This is also why moving out of the house is such a huge priority for me.

2) I am obsessive. My thoughts are usually dominated by 1 thing for periods of time. That one thing may change in a week, a month, a year, etc... but the point is that whatever it may be, most everything else means very little in comparison at the time. This causes me to usually be very, very good at whatever I do (I am at or near "legend" status in many online strategy games, had a 2500 rating in lightning chess, etc.), but also take losing very, very badly. With these things it has always been an all or nothing attitude. Anything I have obsessed over I have dropped almost entirely from my life. That's why for me playing poker casually is not an option.

Re: Get a new job - I probably exaggerated a bit on how much I dislike my job. Overall, it has been a very good thing for me. It just hasn't developed the way I wanted it to. I used to obsess over it, and do everything I could to prove myself. I have since given up hope that it will ever lead to anything, and my work ethic has deteriorated greatly. There have also been some unfavorable changes lately. I used to work at another location dedicated to a large project (1.5 years), and had little supervision. Still, given my record I cannot expect to land anything better at this time.

Re: Poker Stuff - As I stated in my original post I definitely have not done things the right way, as far as managing my BR, moving up the limits, etc. I acknowledge that I am lucky so far to be ahead a good amount instead of losing my entire deposit. My bad BR management has been a result of my inability to handle the psychological swings of poker. Maybe over time I can learn to handle it better, or maybe not. I've always been a bad loser, and throwing money into the equation doesn't help.

Most have rightfully suggested that I do not follow through with my plans to become a poker professional. Nevertheless, I am not ready to quit. I described poker as my "only way out" before, and of course I was being ridiculous. What I really meant is that at the moment I do not see any short term ways to improve my life, other than poker. The one consistent thing about my life is that whatever my goals were one year ago, they have drastically changed. So long term planning isn't particularly useful for me...

I haven't played poker since my original post. I'm going to try again this weekend (Sunday/Monday is my weekend). I am going to set times and limits that I will play, and try my best to stick to them. If I fail to stick to the plan this time, then I will know that poker is not for me. For example if I move up to 5/10 after a couple bad beats playing 2/4, or if I play 3 hours longer than I planned trying to make up lost money, or quit 2 hours earlier because I am ahead, then I will admit to myself that I do not have what it takes psychologically to play poker for a living. I know I will probably fail, but I have to try anyways.

[smartalecc5]

Id invest in an education if I were in your shoes.

[Kenrick]

If you get bored with a normal college, and I wouldn't blame you if you do, I would recommend going the technical college route if you know what it is you'd like to go for. No sense in taking Japanese 101 and things if you have no interest in them and know you won't use them at all.

If you're obsessive and like being alone, those are two qualities made for professional gambling. Get the discipline part down and you might be good to go. And, really, right now there is so much bonus money around that even if you play break-even you could be making $10+ an hour just from playing signup and reload bonuses. Not enough to quit a day job, but enough to continue practicing while having something decent to show for it.