opening to my essay

[scotty34]

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this is the stupidest arguement i have ever heard. yes lets expose everyone to small pox so we can toughen them up

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you do realize that is exactly how vaccines work right?

[housenuts]

this is not the introductory paragraph to my paper. this is the start of the 2nd paragraph that outlines why britains men are weak.

perhaps i should reword the topic sentence to say something along the lines of 'Britain's men were weaker than previous generations because there were not as many challenges on the homefront as before'

something like that. i dunno. keep laying into me

[The Goober]

odd, when I read your post, I hear it in the voice of james t. kirk. I think, it's all, the extra, commas.

but, I do agree with you.

[citanul]

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this is not the introductory paragraph to my paper. this is the start of the 2nd paragraph that outlines why britains men are weak.

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now i'm sort of less worried about your opening paragraph, but maybe sort of more worried about your opening paragraph. clearly there are distinctions between what belongs in the first paragraph of an academic paper and what belongs in the second paragraph of same, however that clearly doesn't fix any of the problems of general non-sensicalness or non-flowing logic and rhythm.

i think it would be in your best interest to post your opening paragraph and see a writing TA if that's possible.

c

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how's this as an opening to my essay that was due 2 weeks ago?

The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier. Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower. New materials and clothing keep the men and women warm rather than forcing them become accustomed to adverse conditions. Improvements in medicine and the preparation and storage of food create immune systems that are not prepared to deal with the removal of these developments. At the turn of the century Britain was arguably the most advanced nation. One could surmise that this enabled them to lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle. Certainly the hardships they had to go through on a daily basis were less than that of the average Boer of South Africa, or even inhabitants of Canada. This meant that Britain’s men were becoming weak.

if you can think of better anecdotes than the 3 i listed please share.

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Several things:

1_ Don't say "The" problem. You make it sound like there is one problem. And, in general, saying "The problem" is awful grammar - we're not on the playground in middle school. You can say "One of the challenges . . . "

2- "Life becomes easier." Huh? What does this mean? "Life"? Say exactly what you mean. Life means alot of things. Do you mean the standard of living increases? Do you mean there are less chores to do?

3- oh, phuck it. I'll just rewrite it for you. There's just too many mistakes to list. Here you go:

One of the challenges that often confront advanced societies is the increased ease of daily life. Machines replace hard labor. New medicines and food preservation techniques aid, initially, the immune system.

One example is Britain at the turn of the century. One of the most advanced nations at the time, its populace enjoyed the fruits of technology, resulting in less daily hardships than those experienced by, say, an inhabitant of South Africa or Canada.


Leave out the sentence about British men becoming weak.

[TheWorstPlayer]

I could post something long and helpful, but I'm too lazy so I'll just say that this opening sucks. Obviously this board can't teach you how to write in this thread, though. Try submitting this one but then actually asking for some feedback from your teacher/professor. Better to learn how to write late than never.

[SackUp]

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how's this as an opening to my essay that was due 2 weeks ago?

The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier. Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower. New materials and clothing keep the men and women warm rather than forcing them become accustomed to adverse conditions. Improvements in medicine and the preparation and storage of food create immune systems that are not prepared to deal with the removal of these developments. At the turn of the century Britain was arguably the most advanced nation. One could surmise that this enabled them to lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle. Certainly the hardships they had to go through on a daily basis were less than that of the average Boer of South Africa, or even inhabitants of Canada. This meant that Britain’s men were becoming weak.

if you can think of better anecdotes than the 3 i listed please share.

[/ QUOTE ]

Several things:

1_ Don't say "The" problem. You make it sound like there is one problem. And, in general, saying "The problem" is awful grammar - we're not on the playground in middle school. You can say "One of the challenges . . . "

2- "Life becomes easier." Huh? What does this mean? "Life"? Say exactly what you mean. Life means alot of things. Do you mean the standard of living increases? Do you mean there are less chores to do?

3- oh, phuck it. I'll just rewrite it for you. There's just too many mistakes to list. Here you go:

One of the challenges that often confront advanced societies is the increased ease of daily life. Machines replace hard labor. New medicines and food preservation techniques aid, initially, the immune system.

One example is Britain at the turn of the century. One of the most advanced nations at the time, its populace enjoyed the fruits of technology, resulting in less daily hardships than those experienced by, say, an inhabitant of South Africa or Canada.


Leave out the sentence about British men becoming weak.

[/ QUOTE ]

Did you intentionally rewrite this to sound even worse than the OP's post, so you can make him feel better? If so, well done. If not, you need help as well.

Fortunately for both of you, college profs typically require very little in the form of writing b/c most of your competition will be awful as well.

I suggest both of you take some writing classes and read the book Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

And so you know, I sucked at writing in undergrad as well. I did not learn how to write until law school.

[LittleOldLady]

I spent the last 30 years reading messes like this for a living. (As my son would say, "It sucked to be me.") First thing, throw that piece of junk out and start over. I gather that your subject has something to do with Lord Baden-Powell and the Boy Scouts. If that's the case, ask yourself exactly what point you want to make about Baden-Powell and the Boy Scouts, and start right in with it. None of this "in today's/yesterday's society" crap that poor writers inevitably put in the first paragraph.

So something like:

When Sir Robert Baden-Powell, Lord Baden-Powell of Gilwell, looked at his fellow Britons shortly after the turn of the twentieth century, he saw a nation of men who had, in his view, grown weak due to advances in technology and reliance on labor-saving devices.

Then go on from there. (That,of course, is a sample opening sentence, since I have no real clue as to what your essay is supposed to be about.) BTW it is by no means beyond argument that labor-saving devices make life easier. It has been demonstrated that they often raise the bar of expectations and can make life harder and more complicated.

BTW, two weeks late!!! If you were my student, I wouldn't even accept a paper that late unless it was accompanied by a doctor's note saying you'd had major surgery. It's your education, and you need to get on the ball.

Get the f**k outta here. I'm doing waht I can with what he gave me. I am a lawyer and have forgtten more about writing than you will ever learn. He said that this was not the opening paragraph. I don't know if his facts are right, etc. I just took what he had and arranged it in the most logical, concise way.

After reading my post, please do us all a favor and commit suicide in the quickest manner possible. That is all.

p.s. You're telling me to read Strunk and White? You are truly a moron. Email me a brief or memo of yours so I can destroy it. I doubt you can even comprehend the Blue Book rules.

[SackUp]

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I am a lawyer and have forgtten more about writing than you will ever learn.

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It is apparent you have "forgotten" how to write.

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I just took what he had and arranged it in the most logical, concise way.

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What you wrote was niether logical nor concise. The advice you gave in points one and two were spot on. You just didn't convey those points very well. Granted, you were not given much to work with, but still, not that great.

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You're telling me to read Strunk and White? You are truly a moron.

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If you don't think Strunk and White is a good book, then you need more help than I thought.

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Email me a brief or memo of yours so I can destroy it.

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No need. You can read my opinions on westlaw or lexis. I've externed for a bankruptcy judge, magistrate judge, and court of appeal judge. Further, I will be clerking for a district court judge after I graduate. Then you can not only read what I've written, but you can cite it! [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Here are a couple samples:

People v. Cea 2005 WL 1685286

Bustos v. County of San Diego 2005 WL 2277632

Please destroy them. HA!

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I doubt you can even comprehend the Blue Book rules.

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Talk about a piece of crap. The BB is extremely poorly written. With that said, I would not back down from a blue booking challenge from anyone. That's all I do on Law Review. I would definitely take a challenge from a practicing lawyer b/c you don't have to use all of the rules nearly as often nor do you have time to look them all up. You probably will never know the BB better than you do while in law school on Law Review. Therefore, I will take any challenge on that.

In any case, judging a person based on the rewording of crap is hardly indicative of one's writing ability. I'm sure you can write far better than what was posted on here - at least I hope so. I have definitely seen my fair share of awful briefs while working at the courts though. It is amazing the crap people turn in. Whether it is incompetence or time constraints I don't know, but wow, many lawyers need help writing as well.

Have a good one!