Having to give it all up for good (long message), advice appreciated

[SoBeDude]

1. don't let your ex-wife blame you for HER behaviour.

2. Not all women view poker as narrow-mindedly as she does.

-Scott

[ZZZ]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's my honest opinion...

Your wife goes out and fucks some other guy and she's blaming YOUR POKER PLAYING for it??!!

Sounds like your screening process needs a lot of work. I don't care how much in love you are, you shouldn't marry a woman who's not laid back, flexible, and forgiving. There's good women out there who'd stick by you even if you decided to become a car thief.

The level of devotion a woman has for you depends a lot on how you act, especially at the beginning of relationship. You want to be confident, in control (of yourself), and a challenge (for her). Let her chase you a little. Know how to say "no" to unreasonable requests.

ZZZ

[surfdoc]

Alrighty then, well rested on 5 hrs of sleep I come back to find out most of the important things have already been said. Take a good look at AViD and anatta's responses as they are well thought out.

I don't think there is enough info in your post to determine if poker is a problem for you or not. Only you can answer that question. It sounds as if you have the typical personality traits found in many successful people and in almost all doctors. As you know, nobody can make it through med school and residency without intense drive and commitment. That focus tends to apply in other parts of our lives and we often approach other areas with the same focus (this is no different that businessmen, lawyers, etc.) The main point is finding balance. I can understand your siuation completely as I am having daily conversations with my wife regarding time spent on poker versus time with the family. I married another ER doc who is hot, pretty friggin smart and successful herself with a 6 figure income so it is pretty tough to BS her. That being said, it is still hard for even intelligent, self confident women to understand the whole poker thing. It just doesn't make sense to spend so much time studying and playing for an income that is and may always be less than 1/3 of your standard hourly. In addition, it is hard for a person without a deep understanding of the game to understand that you won't just "lose it all" at one time when your roll is 50K you are palying in a 15/30 limit game. The only real argument that I can come up with is that "but honey, it is fun." I can tell you one thing for sure, I will not lose her for poker.

As far as your situation, I think if your ex-wife only knew about you playing occasionally and cited this as part of her reason for leaving, that is probably BS. Usually an affair is a symptom of a bad marriage and my guess is there were multiple other problems beyond poker relating to the "big 3" i.e. money, time, or sex. In you next relationship you just need to be open and your partner should not have any problems as long as you can find that balance.

This part here needs some more explaining:
[ QUOTE ]
I can’t and will not let this get in the way of my marriage again. I don’t see this NOT being a problem in any marriage, at least not in my culture. Even if I wanted to continue playing, and say be up front with the woman, how do you tell someone you’re an ER doc but also play professional poker?

[/ QUOTE ]

What culture are you referring to? It sounds as though you have some other family issues here to tend to.

I wish you well and really do understand your situation. The abilty to change, learn, and grow from out past experiences is also what makes us successfull in life. Hopefully one of the ways that you can change is to realize that poker is not an action potential. It should not be all or none.

BTW, doesn't it just suck when some chronic pain patient comes in at 3 am and all you can think about is "hmmmm, I really think a river checkraise would have been the way to go in that hand earlier."

[robert_utk]

I would test the water for a while with a woman then after you are ready to commit tell her FIRST that you are a poker player and LATER that you are a doctor. Hopefully then you will have a spouse that loves you for YOU and not any occupation.

[Jurollo]

Annie Duke is single isnt she?
~Justin

Sorry if that was poor timing

[DcifrThs]

ive read all the responses and think that youa re in a tricky situation...for me its a little different and i want to just say "balance is key." but for some its not that easy.

i have to tell myself, "barron, you set a 3 hr time limit and now you must stick to it b/c business school accounting isn't going to learn itself." then i say, "but barron, this uber-fish just 3 bet your AK UTG raise and turned and rivered a boat after the flop came AKJ[4-J], we're sure to get his money." but then barron wins and says, "if you can't stop now, its clear poker is more important than making upwards of 7 figures on the street...so fine, play if you must." barron then sighs and closes playerview, pokertracker and party and reboots his computer to have a nice new start and do some accounting...

so sorry for the long rediculous story but i think it is telling how addicting poker is, especially when you're winning...but ESPECIALLY when you're losing.

personally balance is key, but for you it may not be the same. i think the well thought out responses on here are great and to them i restate that finding a woman who can love YOU is most important.

-Barron

[jeffnc]

[ QUOTE ]
And she never quite healed from the early days, that 1 month had been like torture to her. 3 yrs later our marriage ended when she had an affair, and she recited these early happenings as part of the reason.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh for godsakes. Is this a troll? I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is just ridiculous. This was HER problem, not your problem. I hope you are over it enough now to hear that she was unstable in some way, and unless you left some parts out, this is not normal or acceptable on her part.

[ QUOTE ]
But I will get married again at some point, I’m 34 and don’t want to wait too much longer. So what then? I’m faced with the reality of probably having to give it all up. I really don’t see any way around it at this point.... I don’t see this NOT being a problem in any marriage, at least not in my culture.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good god man, why? Perhaps you're just not good yet at choosing the right women to date/marry. There is one little hurdle and one only to get over when explaining this to a potential mate, and that is that you're not going to be a problem gambler, ruining her and your life with huge gambling losses and skipping your Gambling Anonymouse meetings. If she can't understand when you explain it well what you are doing, then she simply isn't too intelligent and/or open-minded enough to consider marrying. It is she who would be throwing you away, not vice versa. A doctor and winning poker player is a great catch. My wife thinks it's cool that I play, ESPECIALLY because we are so tight financially right now. I explained when I started that I intended to put no more up than $50, and if I lost it, I was done. I never lost it, and we will be taking a trip to Las Vegas on my winnings in a few months, and staying at least one night at the Venetian, and she's extremely excited - a trip we couldn't have made without poker, given our current financial situation. My friends think it's very cool that I play poker. It's quite hip. My relatives - some of them I've told, and some I haven't. But never in my wildest dreams would I marry a woman who could not accept the things I love to do in life. And I don't love taking heroin or committing robbery.

[kowboy]

A first glance I thought I was reading an early script of rounders [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]. My advice is you have to go with what you truly love in life. If risking it all follows in your dream go and get it. You have something to fall back on if things dont work out and if you dont try you will always ask yourself why? Sorry cheesy rhym. Life is very short dont die with what if on your plate. I'm assuming you dont have kids of course. Good luck in any endeavor. [img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img]

[AviD]

Note: Barron talks to himself regularly, could be an sign of deeper mental issues! [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[SomethingClever]

[ QUOTE ]
Even if I wanted to continue playing, and say be up front with the woman, how do you tell someone you’re an ER doc but also play professional poker? To most women (and others) that sounds ridiculous.


[/ QUOTE ]

You know how some people have a problem with table selection? It sounds like you have a problem with woman selection.

No offense, but it doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Why would you want to be with someone who can't rationally understand your poker hobby?

Caveat: If you're playing so much poker that you don't have time for your woman, that's a different story. But I'm assuming it's just a healthy hobby for you, not an obsession.