Movie Review: Closer

[KaneKungFu123]

The first scene of the movie, before anyone speaks is awesome. Natalie Portman is walking down the street in rush hour with short bright-red hair. Jude Law looks like a dorky stock broker and they make eye contact until Portman gets hit by a car.

When she wakes up she says: "Hello Stranger". At this point I made a silent wish for this movie to not completely turn to [censored].

They go to a hospital and engage in a bunch of fast, witty dialogue. It feels like they are both huge phonies. Portman is a stripper, which is saddening. I thought of her as Matilda from Leon grown up.

Fast forward:

They are in a relationship now and Jude Law wrote a book about her. Jude Law goes to a photo shoot for the book, and ends up trying to seduce the ugly grandmother photographer Julia Roberts. It doesnt make any sense why anyone dating Natalie Portman would have an interest in someone as hideous and annoaying as Julia Roberts. It seems very obvious that Jude is interested only in sex, which made me wonder why he would choose someone over 50.
Julia Roberts is very witty and artistic and a gigantic phoney. There are about a million scenes in the first 20 minutes where the characters stare hard into space contemplating something boring. I would call it overacting, but the actors are doing a good job portraying their phoney, unintersting characters. I dont know why they didnt just go ahead and make all of the characters EMO, no need to hide it.

The other character is a doctor who visits an internet sex chatroom and has a hardcore xxx chat with Jude Law pretending to be Julia Roberts and tells him to go where she is, only Julia ends up dating the perverted doctor, who is also very witty, and also stares into space often.

None of the characters are interesting, not even Portman. I really liked the scene where Portman was walking down the street. I couldn't watch anymore after that. My guess is that eventually all of the characters end up screwing eachother, then all break up and remain miserable. I am also pretty sure that it turned out Portman was a huge whore or had some really nasty past history and I didnt want to wait to find out.

I dont like movies about people I hate.