"Do not leave a message"

[jason_t]

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I have no idea whats going on.

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You're good...but with my help you could be the best.

[BoxTree]

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I have no idea whats going on.

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You're good...but with my help you could be the best.

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That's annoying.

I now have to give a "nh" to Jason.

Boo to oneupsmanship.

[bogey]

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It is very important in most psychological settings in which you are trying to build a relationship (either personally or professionally) to not leave messages until the relationship is established. The reason is that conversations initiated by the one originally least interested in establishing the relationship (they call back due to the message) get a totally wrong dynamic.

When working in sales I became very conscious of this and tried to avoid constructing situations in which the potential customer would feel that he "had" to contact me before he was convinced that making business with me was worthwhile.

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This is an interesting of way of looking at it, but I always felt that if I just left a message the first time it puts the ball in their court to call back if their interested or not, instead of kind of pestering them by calling all the time.

[CardSharpCook]

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It is very important in most psychological settings in which you are trying to build a relationship (either personally or professionally) to not leave messages until the relationship is established. The reason is that conversations initiated by the one originally least interested in establishing the relationship (they call back due to the message) get a totally wrong dynamic.

When working in sales I became very conscious of this and tried to avoid constructing situations in which the potential customer would feel that he "had" to contact me before he was convinced that making business with me was worthwhile.

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This is an interesting of way of looking at it, but I always felt that if I just left a message the first time it puts the ball in their court to call back if their interested or not, instead of kind of pestering them by calling all the time.

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Very nice post Arfinn. Your reasoning makes good sense. Bogey, by "leaving the ball in their court" you have both placed a burden on them and given yourself an excuse for not following through. "Well I left a message. If she liked me, she'd call." It is playing it scared.

[MyTurn2Raise]

I use the old standby I learned my freshman year (big Ups to my neighbor Dave, the Senior who spread his knowledge):

When it comes time to leave the message: "[insert interested party's name] I was at [some bar] and I cannot believe the story I heard about you. There was a gal who claimed that you......"

click


I get called back pretty quickly and they find it amusing that I use the GM techniques to get them on the line.

[Arnfinn Madsen]

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It is very important in most psychological settings in which you are trying to build a relationship (either personally or professionally) to not leave messages until the relationship is established. The reason is that conversations initiated by the one originally least interested in establishing the relationship (they call back due to the message) get a totally wrong dynamic.

When working in sales I became very conscious of this and tried to avoid constructing situations in which the potential customer would feel that he "had" to contact me before he was convinced that making business with me was worthwhile.

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This is an interesting of way of looking at it, but I always felt that if I just left a message the first time it puts the ball in their court to call back if their interested or not, instead of kind of pestering them by calling all the time.

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However, before you contacted her, the ball was already in "no man's land" and she had the chance to ask you out but did not do so prior to your call.

A few possible reasons:
-She is not currently interested. In this case the unnatural change of role described in my first posts takes place lowering your chances.
-She lacks the courage. Your message may give her that, but very many people who do this needs a stronger signal than your message to suppress their fear of rejection, so you have this way put her in a uncomfortable situation.
-She believes in the traditional role where men keep the initiative. This way she will feel uncomfortable by getting the ball in her court.

Bottom line, it is you and not her that have taken the role of the ice-breaker/ relationship establisher, and for whatever reason she did not take it, you can't expect a single message to change that, it normally takes a lot more conversation etc. to make the effort naturally mutual.

Um okay, my answer was after the first date... the "after call" . was OP's question about before the first date?

Question for Finn: If you dont leave a message, then what is the course of action? You cant know if when you dont get an answer that its because she's not interested... her battery could be low, she could be in class.

Do you go for the in person talk, and skip the phone? Do you call multiple times with space in between? I just think that it's scary for her to see "3 missed calls" all from a dude.

[Arnfinn Madsen]

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Um okay, my answer was after the first date... the "after call" . was OP's question about before the first date?

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I assumed it was prior to first date.

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Question for Finn: If you dont leave a message, then what is the course of action? You cant know if when you dont get an answer that its because she's not interested... her battery could be low, she could be in class.


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Let the unanswered calls pass away in silence, never mention them (maybe she bought time, did not feel in the mood etc.). Just make a new call after some time and behave as if it was the first one.

[diebitter]

Hmmm, it's been awhile, but leaving a message can be tiresome.

Once you've left it, you start wondering if she'll call back. The longer it goes, you start wondering if you said something stupid, sounded okay and left the right impression, whether the battery ran out, or anything.

This starts you rationalising you better ring again, and being tempted to leave another message.

The second message you make as carefree and light as possible, actually say 'leaving this in case you didn't get the last one', and something like 'call me or not, I'm cool whatever'.

The third one is prompted because you think you sound too casual about it in message 2, and need to be more serious. So you leave a more direct, serious one.

The fourth one is a backup to say sorry for 3rd.

The fifth one is to say sorry about leaving all these messages, and a return to a casual 'whatever' tone.

and so on.

Before you know it, you've left 15 messages, one of which you'll be crying and maybe drunk, one of which you'll be calling her bad names, one of which will be silence apart from a very faint breathing noise, and so on.

This is not a good thing.

[Vavavoom]

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Hmmm, it's been awhile, but leaving a message can be tiresome.

Once you've left it, you start wondering if she'll call back. The longer it goes, you start wondering if you said something stupid, sounded okay and left the right impression, whether the battery ran out, or anything.

This starts you rationalising you better ring again, and being tempted to leave another message.

The second message you make as carefree and light as possible, actually say 'leaving this in case you didn't get the last one', and something like 'call me or not, I'm cool whatever'.

The third one is prompted because you think you sound too casual about it in message 2, and need to be more serious. So you leave a more direct, serious one.

The fourth one is a backup to say sorry for 3rd.

The fifth one is to say sorry about leaving all these messages, and a return to a casual 'whatever' tone.

and so on.

Before you know it, you've left 15 messages, one of which you'll be crying and maybe drunk, one of which you'll be calling her bad names, one of which will be silence apart from a very faint breathing noise, and so on.

This is not a good thing.

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Then the police get involed eh.... [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]