Adultery IS a Sin

[DougShrapnel]

[ QUOTE ]
Not actually a sin, since I don't know what that means. And not all adultery either. But unadmitted adultery behind your spouses's back is totally wrong unless it has been previously acquiesced to. (Regardless of what some psychologists might say.)

In spite of the qualifications above, what is left is the great majority of adultery cases. One spouse cheats on the other without ever telling him or her and without permission to do it or to not tell. (Sometimes a spouse will not give permission but will offer grudging acceptance along with the request NOT to be told. Yet another exception to what I'm talking about.)

One scenario, however that is not an exception, is a cheating spouse who stops cheating and decides, with or without "professional" guidance, that he or she should not confess. The idea being that nothing is accomplished by telling the spouse since he or she will now be a good little boy or girl.

The reason the above scenario is clearly unethical, EVEN if it increases the chances of saving the marriage, is that the wronged spouse might want to get a divorce and the adulterer has no right to force his spouse to stay in a marriage that would otherwise be ended.

Even if the adulterer believed that if, on their fiftieth anniversary, there is a ninety percent chance that the spouse upon finally being told about the cheating would forgive. And say she was glad the marriage survived. And perhaps even admit that it migh not have, had she been told, the aduterer had no right to deprive her of the information since there was a ten percent chance that he kept her from deciding to go on to a better life.

In other words since there will always be a chance that the wronged person would, years later, upon being told, say "that makes me not want to be married to you, even now. Meanwhile you stole years from my life by waiting to tell me" the adulterer has no right to take that chance. And as far as never telling at all, I say it is wrong to ever indefintely withhold information from your spouse that could reasonably be used by him or her to decide that you shouldn't be together (unless you have agreed otherwise).

Notice by the way that this post had nothing to do with sex.

[/ QUOTE ]An different side of the situation is that when someone tells spuose/sig other that they had been unfaithful, they are only/mainly revealing thier secret so they can feel better, and not to inform betrayed spouse. Which is an "unethical" reason to do so.

[David Sklansky]

"An different side of the situation is that when someone tells spuose/sig other that they had been unfaithful, they are only/mainly revealing thier secret so they can feel better, and not to inform betrayed spouse. Which is an "unethical" reason to do so."

The only, problem I have with that comment is that some will use it as an excuse to not confess.

[andyfox]

Nobody denides that it's wrong. What I question is whether breaking up a marriage over one transgression is a greater wrong.

[RJT]

I think we really need to know the answer to the following question first:

Would the spouse who was cheated on really want to know? If we know the answer is yes, then it seems to ‘fess up is the right thing ethically. But, I would really want to make dang sure the grieved spouse was sure of the consequences of that knowledge. Would the grieved spouse fully understand the pain and hurt that is to follow with the knowledge that he/she was cheated on?

It is like Clinton. In reality what was the harm - to us, not his wife. Sure, truth is a good thing. But, did we really have to hear that it was true. (Not being his wife, I cared not an iota.) Now that we know - we are forced to deal with any ramifications. Much ado about nothing.

It is also like religion. Tell me now if my religion is false - if it could be determined. But, if the fact is that there is no God, then I would rather not know. Least I have hope now for something more to it all. Don’t get me wrong, life is grand (sometimes). But, if this is it - it is fairly mundane. I’d prefer my “fantasy”.

[MMMMMM]

[ QUOTE ]
Nobody denides that it's wrong. What I question is whether breaking up a marriage over one transgression is a greater wrong.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's a different matter, and would seem to be up to the two parties involved.

[Trantor]

[ QUOTE ]


The only, problem I have with that comment is that some will use it as an excuse to not confess.

[/ QUOTE ]

For what conceivable reason can it be a problem for you?

[goofball]

What if there are kids?

If a wife asks her husband if she looks fat in these pants, should he tell her the truth if he thinks that she does? What if telling her this truth every time she asks would make her not want to be married to him anymore, destroying an otherwise happy and mutually beneficial marriage?

I think this situation fulfills all the same requirements of your adultery situation. Do you see them the same way? If so, then I think that many happy marriages would be doomed if married people had to play by your "ethical" rules with no exceptions on these types of things.

There may be a flaw in my comparison, but right now I'm not seeing any.

[Alex/Mugaaz]

[ QUOTE ]
Not actually a sin, since I don't know what that means. And not all adultery either. But unadmitted adultery behind your spouses's back is totally wrong unless it has been previously acquiesced to. (Regardless of what some psychologists might say.)

In spite of the qualifications above, what is left is the great majority of adultery cases. One spouse cheats on the other without ever telling him or her and without permission to do it or to not tell. (Sometimes a spouse will not give permission but will offer grudging acceptance along with the request NOT to be told. Yet another exception to what I'm talking about.)

One scenario, however that is not an exception, is a cheating spouse who stops cheating and decides, with or without "professional" guidance, that he or she should not confess. The idea being that nothing is accomplished by telling the spouse since he or she will now be a good little boy or girl.

The reason the above scenario is clearly unethical, EVEN if it increases the chances of saving the marriage, is that the wronged spouse might want to get a divorce and the adulterer has no right to force his spouse to stay in a marriage that would otherwise be ended.

Even if the adulterer believed that if, on their fiftieth anniversary, there is a ninety percent chance that the spouse upon finally being told about the cheating would forgive. And say she was glad the marriage survived. And perhaps even admit that it migh not have, had she been told, the aduterer had no right to deprive her of the information since there was a ten percent chance that he kept her from deciding to go on to a better life.

In other words since there will always be a chance that the wronged person would, years later, upon being told, say "that makes me not want to be married to you, even now. Meanwhile you stole years from my life by waiting to tell me" the adulterer has no right to take that chance. And as far as never telling at all, I say it is wrong to ever indefintely withhold information from your spouse that could reasonably be used by him or her to decide that you shouldn't be together (unless you have agreed otherwise).

Notice by the way that this post had nothing to do with sex.

[/ QUOTE ]


I want to post a rebuttal to this one because I'm pretty sure I see some cases where this logic doesn't hold up. Just to be sure beforehand, are you saying that as long as there some sort of agreement that is broken it is unethical to withhold information that may end in a breakup. However, as long as there is no agreement it is ethical to withhold any information even if it would result in breakup, EVEN in the case that you were certain this information would surely result in a breakup?

[David Sklansky]

"I want to post a rebuttal to this one because I'm pretty sure I see some cases where this logic doesn't hold up. Just to be sure beforehand, are you saying that as long as there some sort of agreement that is broken it is unethical to withhold information that may end in a breakup. However, as long as there is no agreement it is ethical to withhold any information even if it would result in breakup, EVEN in the case that you were certain this information would surely result in a breakup?"

No. It is only OK to withhold information if there was a pror agreement that it was OK.