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#12
07-07-2005, 07:27 PM
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Some more gems
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. 
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#13
07-07-2005, 07:28 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
[ QUOTE ]
One of my favs- [ QUOTE ] The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. [/ QUOTE ] [/ QUOTE ] very nice [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] How about... "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
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#14
07-07-2005, 07:33 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
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#15
07-07-2005, 09:20 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you.. One time I was walking through the field behind our house, when this man jumped out and grabbed me. He was wearing a striped uniform and his ankles were chained together. He told me to get him some food, and some tools to get the chains off his legs. And if I didn't, he would kill my whole family. I wonder whatever happened to that guy.
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#17
07-07-2005, 09:29 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
[ QUOTE ]
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. [/ QUOTE ] awesome
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#18
07-07-2005, 09:35 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
I don't find most of his stuff funny, but this is a gem
"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."
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#19
07-07-2005, 09:46 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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#20
07-07-2005, 09:51 PM
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Re: Jack Handy
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis
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