$2,000,000,000

First of all I would hire Jessica Alba. She would accompany me everywhere. Her job would be to interact with people on my behalf. I would whisper what I wanted to say into her ear, and she would then tell the person. When they responded she would relay the message by whispering it in my ear as sexily as possible, and hopefully putting one of her hands anywhere on my body. I hope that this service costs less than 99% of the money, however if it takes every last penny well that's life.

You know all those enron and worldcom types who bought stupid stuff with the billions they stole? cars, houses, gold umbrella holders? You know what I would do if I had that much money? I would hire a beautiful girl, give her full benefits, a great salary, and she would.....wash my balls all day. walk around, srcub scrub, play tennis, scrub wash, etc. And I would meet with my ex worldcom and enron ceos and they would say "what the hell is that?" And I would say "its my personal ball washer. What did you buy, a new house!??? HAHAHAHAH!!"

(obviously a bad paraphrasing of Lewis Black, but its still funny)