A worried brother asking for help

[ngmucker]

Very true. Im just wondering how he cn gain back control, cause he has obviously lost it.

[PJS]

I feel for you and your brother on this.

To be honest, as I have never dealt with anyone with a gambling problem before, I don't feel I can offer any advice that is worthwhile. All I would suggest is contacting Gamblers Anonomous and aksing their advice. I'm sure they have good advice, as they would have provided support to relatives in the past. They may have some ideas how you can monitor him or something.

I hope all comes good for you.

Good luck,
PJS

Greetings,

I am sorry to hear about your brother's compulsive gambling and the negative impact it has had on both of you. I can relate to you on various levels because my brother is an extremely addicted gambler. To make matters worse, like many compulsive gamblers, he will manipulate or outright steal from his family members.

I used to enable him and when he would blow his paycheck I would give him maybe $50, a carton of cigarettes, and fill up his gas tank. I was not, and am not, very wealthy and this constituted a lot money. My parents enabled him on a much greater level. They would chronically "borrow" him money, which usually wasn't paid back. They would wire money to Las Vegas when he busted out. They even paid for lawyers to help him avoid prosecution!

It got to the point where the only time my brother would come around is when he wanted money to pay for gambling debts or to gamble. He even ransacked my apartment and pawned off my CD collection and various electronics.

And I tried and tried to intervene and my efforts were always futile. He kept promising he would quit gambling and never did. My dad passed away a few years ago, leaving the family with a very substantial amount of money. He managed to gamble away his half of $100,000 life insurance policy in a year. Then he returned to his old tactics of threats, manipulation and promises. My mother gave him 10's of thousands more in 'loans' and other expenses.

Eventually, my mom snapped and gave her financial control to another family member. Also, she put a person in control of her finances who knew she was an enabler. Even the family lawyer was involved. For the past 3 years she has been transparent with her finances and still doesn't control her own checkbook!

I also have had to learn to say no and at first it was very difficult and emotionally draining. I just remember that ultimately I am not responsible for his gambling. I am only responsible for my behavior, and I will not facilitate his further destruction with compulsive gambling. And compulsive gamblers can be some of the most persistant, manipulative and difficult people you can deal with. You have to learn to be assertive and say 'NO,' even if you see them homeless and wearing rags. You didn't put them in that position and you can only temporarily get them out of it. Change comes from within. It's folly to think you can make your brother better again. Perhaps the best thing you can do is not supply him with any money, don't make excuses for him, don't allow him to steal from you without legal consequences. In a word: don't enable him.

I tried hard to get my brother to see a behavioral health professional. It was futile. While I couldn't force him to see a mental health expert, I could modify my own behavior. I no longer give him a penny (I do give him non-cash gifts for holidays). Also, my mom no longer enables him and he now has to be self-reliant.

BTW, he even moved in with his grandma last year and took her for a ride! She ended up giving him a car and $10K. He made all the promises and said all the nice things. Eventually, after trips to ER for chest pain, she kicked him out.

Given that all his sources dried up, that nobody was willing to continue enabling him, he ultimately got a full-time job plus a part-time job. He works 60 hours a week and is responsible for all his daily needs. My mom is much happier and is doing very well for herself financially.

Unfortunately, my brother doesn't call us very often and doesn't come around anymore. I guess we did lose the contact we used to have with him. Also, it's painful to see a family member make consistently self-destructive choices when you want them to succeed and be happy. But in retrospect, we wish we would have stopped enabling him a decade ago.

For your sake, I hope you choose not to enable your brother because you will likely suffer along with him instead of helping him. You'll likely just temporarily extend his career as compulsive gambler. I would recommend he see a psychologist/addiction specialist. I'm sure some encouragement and emotional support couldn't hurt either.

If he's anything like my brother, he will scoff at the idea of seeing a professional. He will say there's nothing wrong with him and you're being a judgemental hypocrite. He will refuse to enter a treatment program and will continue to manipulate, lie and steal. Those are the choices he might CHOOSE to make. You, however, can CHOOSE not to enable him and refuse to allow yourself to feel miserable, realizing your brother is suffering and refuses to change.

JeffreyREBT "Wherein I don't promise to make you rich without trying, or even trying very hard; I do promise to say things that will make you FEEL rich."

[chesspain]

Jeff,

Reading your post makes me wonder whether either your father or one of your maternal grandparents was alcoholic.

[ngmucker]

Thank you very much for that post Jeff. He is currently seeing a therapist once a week and is going to start routinely going to GA. And I WILL not enable him. I assure you. I'm just goin to be as supportive as I can. He has been "clan" now for almost two weeks. Lets hope it continues.

Greetings ngmucker,

Thanks for reading my post and the kind comment. It sounds like your brother has a lot more insight then mine based on his willingness to attend therapy and GA. It sounds like you have a reasonable approach and it's good to hear he's already making some progress.

And I'm happy you aren't giving up on him. It's neat that you have invested the time here to get feedback. There were many times I was having a crisis and wished I had a brother looking out for my best interest. Your brother is quite fortunate in this respect.

JeffreyREBT "Wherein I don't promise to make you rich without trying, or even trying very hard; I do promise to say things that will make you FEEL rich."

[thehotspur]

ngmucker I'm sorry to hear that your brother is a pathological gambler, it is excellent that he is in therapy, the biggest help you can give him is to make sure he continues to seek help until he is on top of the problem. If he thinks his current therapist is bad then there are organisations you can contact who specialise in problem gambling who can recommend a gambling addiction specialist almost anywhere in America. For more information about this issue and to help you to understand it better here are some links:
http://www.ncpgambling.org/about_problem/
http://www.responsiblegambling.org/
http://www.gamblingtherapy.org/
and an online self help quitting guide for gambling created by Harvard Uni:
http://www.basisonline.org/toolkits/...pSite/main.htm

GA is not to everyone's liking however so it may not be a sign of non-committment to quitting by him if he attends and then chooses not to continue with them.

I hope he gets the help he needs, that kind of compulsion to gamble almost always belies a psychological difficulty or way of being which is more fundamental than the gambling problem. I wish you both well.

Greetings chesspain,

BTW, nice screen name ;-) To answer your question, I am not sure if my father was an alcoholic. We had an unusual family situation whereby my father became a quadrepeligic (hit by a drunk on the job) when I was 1 and my brother was 4 years of age. I am told my father used to patronize the bars and gamble before his accident. Afterwards, he didn't drink alcohol because of health problems and pentecostal religious convictions.

However, interestingly enough, neither one of my mom's parents were alcoholic or drug dependent (or any known addiction problems). However, if we go back to my father's side we have a minor mess. I don't know if any of the following is consistent with the recent literature, but I included it anyway (below).

History on father's side:

Father (unknown)
Father's dad: none
Father's mother: schizoaffective
Father's sister: severe alcoholic, and bipolar disorder
requiring lithium
Father's grandmother: alcoholic


JeffreyREBT "Wherein I don't promise to make you rich without trying, or even trying very hard; I do promise to say things that will make you FEEL rich."