"I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire"

[Tyler Durden]

Long story.

There's a bar near my house (Carpool in Ballston in Arlington, VA) that I go to about 2 or 3 times a week. So I know pretty much all of the waitresses and they know me.

Whenever I go to CP I'm there for a long time and I've accidentally walked out w/o paying my tab b/c I've totally forgotten about it. This has happened probably 2 or 3 times. Each time I either got to my car or driven halfway home before I realized it, so I went back to the bar and asked for my tab and paid. I consider myself a very honest person so I would never walk out on a tab intentionally.

So this one time on a Saturday night I was there w/ 2+2er asofel and we were drinking. I only had about three beers and left before last call and forgot to pay (waitresses there don't ask for a credit card if they know you).

I showed up about three days later and asofel was w/ me and the same waitress (Waitress A) was working in our area. She very kindly told me that I forgot to pay her but said "I knew it wasn't a big deal b/c I'd see you again" and was smiling while she said it. I apologized profusely, explained that I totally forgot and paid and gave her an extra tip. Everything was cool, she totally forgave me. Since then, she has continued to wait on me w/o asking for my credit card.

Then I show up about a week later and a different waitress (Waitress B) is working. She sees me and approaches, holding the tab that I walked out on and asks for the money. I tell her a bunch of times that I already paid for it. She was very suspicious and skeptical and I really didn't appreciate her doubting me. (I don't understand why tho, I'd have to be a real idiot to show up at a bar a few days after walking out on a tab and expect to be served). asofel also told her that I had paid on my last visit.

All night she gives me [censored] in front of my friends, for that incident and also for other things that I can't remember. I think she may have seen it as joking around but I was getting irritated and remembered thinking that she didn't know me well enough to be giving me all of this [censored].

So I said "I've never said this to a lady before, but I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire." I was mostly joking. She's about 28 and I'm 25, if that matters.

I felt bad immediately and she didn't seem too pleased so I walked over to her and said I was sorry for saying that. She said "it's alright, I know you'd piss on me." That was that, seemed like we'd made up.

About two weeks later I'm there to celebrate a friend's birthday and I buy him and some other friends a shot. Then later the birthday boy asks me to do a shot w/ him and at the end of the night when I ask Waitress B for my tab, I see that the second shots are on my tab also. I didn't even want to do those shots (it was a White Rabbit--Jim Beam and milk) so I also didn't want to pay for them. I tried explaining that they should be on his tab not mine and she said in a bitchy way that I'd have to work it out w/ him. So he and I agreed that he'd pay for them and I told her that and she said "I'm not going to pay for them! It's not my responsibility!" and i thought "wtf, I just told her he'd pay for them" so I repeated myself and she said "oh okay, I thought you said I was going to pay for them." but she was very frazzled and it took a long time for me to close my tab.

Fast forward to about two or three weeks later, she was working again and I ignored her most of the night due to out mutual dislike for each other (clearly my apology about the pissing comment didn't stick) and towards the end of the night I ask her for a beer and she brings it and says "that'll be $4.50" i'm thinkin to myself "wtf, they never ask me to pay upon delivery?" so i say "can't i just get a tab going?" and she says "yes I'll just need your credit card" and now I'm more weirded out but I give it to her. Later I ask why she asked for my credit card (I took it as an insult) and she said "well you've walked out on tabs before so if you want to be served this is how it'll be." I was livid when she said that I had "walked out on tabs before" b/c it was a) false and b) made it sound like I did it intentionally and like I'm a dishonest person. I walked out on ONE tab so to pluralize that is inaccurate. She also said that she wouldn't argue w/ me and that I could go to the bar if I wanted. I told her that it was the first time in a year that a waitress there asked for my credit card and I told her that not even Waitress A asks for my card, so why is she doing it? But she didn't care.

Later I closed my tab and paid for it w/ my card and left no tip b/c she's a bitch and why would I want to tip a bitch? I also told her that the waitress whom I walked out on doesn't ask for my card, so why is she doing it? She kinda ignored that question but I know it's b/c she's being spiteful.

Later she came to the table where I was sitting w/ friends and asked if we needed drinks and I loudly said "well I already closed my tab so if I want another beer do I have to give you my card again? How does that work?" but I was just giving her [censored]. She told me again that she wouldn't argue w/ me and I told her it was [censored] as she walked away. I was really bothered the whole night.

Comments?