The bad side of it all...

[4thstreetpete]

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Greetings,

Thank you for the response as I find this conversation highly enjoyable and really empathize with the challenges you are confronting. I just think it's easy to get lose sight of what is the ultimate challenge. My personal belief is that your financial situation, while a very important aspect of life, is not the most important challenge for you. Rather, I think you need to unlearn some deeply held irrational ideas.

I have a friend named Jim who seems to have an ideology that is almost identical to yours. His belief is that money is life's best painkiller and the only ticket to happiness. You see, he's miserable a good deal of the time because he clings to this ideology that wealth is essentially happiness. Hence, when he hits it big on video poker or makes a fortitous trade on the penny stocks he's elated and at least outwardly excited. However, during the more common down periods (and he's not a wealthy man) he's invariably sad and irritable. In my opinion, his problem is identical to yours: the ideology that having money is a necessary condition of being happy. Now if I try to tell him you can be happy with little or no money he scoffs and makes a cynical wisecrack. And yes, in our society money is a barometer of happiness for many people. Perhaps they have unfortunately learned this from their parents or the media.

To me, it doesn't matter where they learned this crazy belief. I to have held this same position. The problem is that it didn't serve me well. For when you are not monied you are miserable. Also, I find the position logically untenable because there are many counterexamples to the argument. Happiness can be obtained through other mediums be it learning new information, appreciating nature, meaningful relationships, helping others, a hobby, a political cause, self-improvement and a host of other pursuits.

A little bit about myself and my own challenges (which parallel yours to some extent). Back in 2002 I moved to Michigan (700 miles from home) with a family promise that they'd take care of all my medical bills. I needed extensive inpatient treatment for intractible head pain and neck problems. I spent a month in the hospital and required over one thousand dollars a month just on medicine alone. Factor in diagnostic tests and doctor visits and I was spending $2,500 or more a month. I did not have prescription drug insurance to make matters worse. I was living in a ant-infested $495 a month studio apartment in a new state. I had no social supports and my credit cards were being maxed out ($15,000 in debt). Then all of a sudden my family decides they can no longer help me (even though they have the resources) with the medical bills. I had no car, no job, and my body was mired in severe physical pain. I contemplated suicide several times but then despite all my misery I had a revelation: people and things do not disturb us, rather we disturb ourselves by believing they can disturb us. For example, I realized my beliefs about being poor caused me to be upset, not actually being poor.

It's hard to understand this because it seems so counterintuitive. Most people think they are happy or sad because something 'good' or 'bad' happened. In reality, it's our beliefs that determine how we ultimately respond, not what actually happened. For example, two airline workers get laid off and one is hopelessly depressed while the other is seemingly unaffected (or even upbeat). The reason is they have divergent beliefs about job loss. One might think 'If I lose this job I'll be ruined!' Yet the other might believe, 'At least I'll have some time to myself and plus I can probably find a more meaningful job anyway.'

I'm not saying your undesireable economic situation isn't extremely distressing to you. I'm sure you believe it's unfair, wrong, cruel, and a seemingly insurmountable obstacle to finding happiness. And I'm sure you believe your ex is evil incarnate. However, I believe you and your ex (as well as the rest of us) are just hopelessly flawed human beings who invariably do stupid and irrational things at times. I think your demonizing her isn't going to help you one bit but only result in more anger.

But most importantly, I think you need to work on thinking more rationally (who doesn't). I guess you already had one powerful insight: that it's rational to ask for help (although you've probably learned this isn't necessarily the best forum based on the taunting and encouragement to commit suicide). Of course, what constitutes 'help' isn't always so clear. I think many people become suicidal because they starting thinking in absolute terms and set up these false alternatives of 'either or.' For example, either I'll steal money from my mother or I'll be suicidally depressed (as you mentioned). Of course, there are thousands of other options you haven't mentioned. Unfortunately, most probably aren't the most desireable ones but you admittedly aren't in an ideal situation. You still do have choices and the capacity to improve your lot. More importantly, you also have ability to change your dysfunctional and rigid ideologies, which if left unchallenged will incontrovertibly result in a lifetime of similar folly and inexplicable misery.

Hope you're feeling better,

JeffreyREBT

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Hey Jeff, what an excellent post. Why you decided to write this heartfelt thought out reply to this silly thread is beyond me but this is one of the best posts I have ever read. This is one of the few post that I've felt compelled to save. Thanks for posting and hope things are great for you now.