opening to my essay

[Go_Blue88]

You use the passive voice way too much. By eliminating this, your paper will not only be more concise, but more importantly, sophisticated.

For example, let's take your first two sentences, "The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier. Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower."

You could re-write this as: As a result of the technology inherent in an advanced society, machines replace manpower, which increases unemployment in the society.

I obviously did this pretty quickly, but I'm just trying to illustrate the general idea.

"The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier; technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower."

Or just put in a semi-colon. Your first sentence indicates that a problem with advanced society is that life becomes easier, but your overall pt is that this is a problem b/c of the increase in unemployment.