Online poker rigged?

[Dominic]

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FROM THE DESK OF THE POKER GODS

Dear Mr./Mrs. Lane:

Thank you for your recent inquiry into our operations. We welcome your feedback and are always interested to hear the comments of those whose destinies we control.

In response to your specific question regarding whether we rig online poker sites, I would like to assure you that we do no such thing. Our interest is purely in promoting the good times and fun experiences that you share with your fellow players. Please be assured that we have much more important things to do than to alter the outcomes of the millions of poker hands played each day worldwide.

Rather, we prefer to focus our efforts on you, the player. For example, why would we bother trying to alter your cards when we can just manipulate you to go in on a weak holding like 4-5? Or mess with your confidence, making you play your AA weakly.

In fact, we find that we get the most value out of our activities by simply withholding key logical concepts from weaker players like yourself - concepts like variance and pot size. I have already forwarded your comments to our R&D section, as an example of how effective this strategy has been.

I hope that you have found this response informative. We thank you for taking an interest of the work of the poker puppetmasters. We are watching you.

Sincerely,

TPG

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Form letters suck.