Why am I such a [censored] retard?

[johnnybeef]

No offense to anyone who has dealt with special children, but I think I may be one. Please find below a list of stupid bullshit that I have done since I have gotten back from Vegas/LA.

(keep in mind that I am playing on about a $800 bankroll and this is what I am living off of.)

1. Put $100 into the stars 11r multi tourney.

2. Gotten into $90 worth of debt with a good friend from this board that I will be able to pay off soon, but every bit counts.

3. Go out drinking and taken a shot at a 215 and play like a total donk (for more details ask apathy)

4. Sat into a $100 nl game, got stacked with a baby straight against a daddy straight, and proceeded to lose another $50 by calling with 2nd best hands (at least I didn't get stacked.)

I told myself that because I was such a dumbass in Vegas and LA at the beginning of the month, that I would punish myself by bonus whoring, taking on ********** (that was for you citanul) and playing 22's. The 22's have been a joke and have been very lucrative, the ******** have been rewarding in a personal sense of satisfaction, and the bonus whoring has been absolutley horrible as gambling at the lowest stakes is really uninteresting. That said, I should have a roll of almost 2k, but, I'm at 800. I'm such a [censored] retard, and I feel like a total piece of [censored] as I have absolutely no self discipline. I honestly want to beat the [censored] out of myself to make myself realize what I'm doing.

Help,

Johnny