Open letter to myself: admitting my shame

[1800GAMBLER]

my biggest leak is playing in a bad state of mind. i always imagine the massive poker earnings will die out because of the low level of skill needed to earn these amounts, eventually the equilibrium shall balance. i'm thinking that while in a few years poker earn will be lower i don't think by that much. while poker doesn't take much skill it takes a vey rare personality type. abilty to learn, has to be high yet less than genius/very high. you need an obsessive personality. a self awareness. self honesty, ability to admit you were wrong is so rare. i have some of the skills but the none tilt, commitment and understand of the value of money skills i do not have. being young it is very hard to understand the difference between $xxxk and > $xxxk. the utility of the extra is so small in comparison to the original $xxxk, youth stupidy i guess. eventually when the games get tougher everything i have earned will go back into the poker community and solomon warning shall be correct about yet another idiot.

2 weeks ago i decided to donate 10% of my poker earnings to any charity, for selfish reasons, in the hopes of losing my tilt and understanding the value of money. so far this hasn't worked. today i made a $2k mistake which could have been avoid with more complete thought and 10 minutes ago, i made a $2k mistake which should have been avoided my not playing drunk, yes, i am that stupid. in total, that's $400 less NO gets because of my inability. so the reason for this post is because my image on 2+2 means a lot to me, my ego needs to be furfilled by people i respect, posting this, admitting i do some utterly stupid [censored] will cancel that. after that i'm not player to bust the medicore, to out do them, for pride or for respect, it should only be about winning money.


PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $20 BB (3 handed) converter

SB ($2155)
Hero ($1752)
Button ($1460)

Preflop: Hero is BB with 6[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img], 8[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img].
<font color="#666666">1 fold</font>, SB completes, <font color="#CC3333">Hero raises to $77</font>, SB calls $57.

Flop: ($154) K[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img], 8[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img], 7[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] <font color="#0000FF">(2 players)</font>
SB checks, <font color="#CC3333">Hero bets $133</font>, <font color="#CC3333">SB raises to $300</font>, <font color="#CC3333">Hero raises to $1000</font>, <font color="#CC3333">SB raises to $2078</font>, Hero calls $675 (All-In).

Turn: ($3907) 4[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img] <font color="#0000FF">(2 players, 1 all-in)</font>

River: ($3907) 3[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] <font color="#0000FF">(2 players, 1 all-in)</font>

Final Pot: $3907

so stupid.