dealing with parents

[rbenuck4]

I'm not sure what to do about this.

I am a 23 year old male and I'm currently in my first year of medical school at Northwestern University. I have been doing very well in school, and don't think that my playing has affected my studies, or my social life.

I am a consistently winning player (no, i'm not deluding myself into believing this), and usually play online a couple hours a day, playing mostly 15 30 limit, or 5 10 nl, and have done pretty well. However, my parents will never understand what I do. They are very conservative people, and see what I do as being a degenrate gambler who will lose everything, and will fail out of medical school. Everytime I talk to them they just end up yelling at me to stop playing (They don't even know that I play as much as I do or as high stakes as I do), so I don't know what to do to get them to understand.

Any suggestions from people who have gone through similar situations?

[FishBurger]

Do you have to talk to your parents about your gambling? If it causes them stress, just don't bring it up. If they bring it up, just say that you've been focussing on school lately and haven't had much time to gamble.

Let them be in denial and you will get along just fine.

[Stuey]

I see nothing wrong with hiding your poker activities from them. But if you feel too guilty hiding it you have to quit, simple. You will not change their view of poker.

So if you choose to hide it, which I think you must here are some rules that will save you grief later.

Never use any of their money for poker. If your current bankroll contains thier money give it back asap. Your bankroll should be money you have earned playing or working.

If they are paying for your living/school expenses ect. You should use all your poker winnings to ease this burden. Don't spend the winnings on women! [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Most importantly DON'T GO BUST! Yah I beleive you are a winning player. And judging from the levels you play at you must understand bankroll management better than I ever will. But plan for the worst like 500BB or 300BB if your willing to move down when you lose half your BR. I can't stess this enough don't go bust. If you get caught lieing about winning money playing poker it will be much different than someone hearing you lost playing poker.

I have not mentioned/or lied to my parents about girls, drugs, and lots of other juicy stuff. I felt no guilt doing this. But poker makes me feel guilty also.

We view poker as a positive in our everyday life. Hell we love it free money and all. So why should we feel the need to hide it? Some people will always view poker as dancing with the devil. Hide it from those that will worry needlessly and feel no guilt.

Hey don't go bust k.

[WillMagic]

Buy them a car with your winnings.

Ultimately, your parents just want you to be happy and successful. The car takes care of one part.

Will

[blingice]

[ QUOTE ]
Buy them a car with your winnings.


[/ QUOTE ]

May I suggest some?

Escalade w/ Twenty Fours
Mercedes Benz, all black with the light panels
Lincoln with chrome spinners
Denali with chrome spinners
Yeah and get a cool grill on the Escalade too.


[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]


Bling.

[Dave H.]

I had a similar problem with my spouse. I sat down and discussed it with her one day and the line I used was a simple (BUT TRUE) one. I explained to her my belief that every person discovers opportunities in different ways and at different times.

One person sees a neighborhood filling up with people who are buying pools and starts a flourishing pool business; his neighbor curses at all of the pool construction going on. You could easily come up with at least 10 examples in a very short time frame and if you relate those to experiences your parents had when they seized opportunities, you are even more apt to get them to understand.

Don't push for approval though. Just get them to understand how you see this as an opportunity. If they can understand (as my spouse did), they may even approve down the road with no coaxing at all from you.

Give some thought to your examples and it will really help.

[JonLines]

I was also in this situation, I am a 20 year old student, and I have been playing since I was 18 (I'm from England, that's the legal age) and I have tried many methods. The trick is to change their perception of the game, you need to re-brand it.

Firstly avoid the word gambling, to your parents, it is a dirty word! Try to compare it to more respectable professions. Stockbroker - Calculated risks. Explain the difference between Casino games, sports betting and poker. (keep it generalised) In the first, you are playing in statistically losing games, your actions are independent of the result, this is gambling. Sports betting, gives people the illusion of control, possible to win, but against a huge establishment, have to be one smart cookie. Poker, a skill game, your actions can directly effect the result, it is a skill game, against other opponents, you only have to be better than the person your playing!

Compare this skill to the game of chess, throw in some Russian chess champions name, say Garry Kasparov (this will remind them of your intelligence), propose that chess rules changed, and each piece was worth some value, do they think Garry Kaparov would go broke against Jo Smo? Would they consider Garry Kasparov to be a Gambler in said situation?
They will of course not agree with any of your arguments just yet, but deep down some clogs will of turned, let these views sink in.
The next step I tried was bragging (this might just be a personal thing), let your parent know you can make more in a night than they can make all month, it feels good, believe me. Then buy expensive things with your winnings (the car idea mentioned earlier was a good one), when they try to argue that you will lose all your money eventually, point out that you cant lose it all, because you have already spent most of it. Let them try and argue against that.
After you have put them down, show them some love, I brought my parents a holiday with some of my winnings (a trip to Rome), show them that your chosen lifestyle, also has a positive effect on them. Then see them squirm as they try to explain to friends how you could afford such lavish gifts for them being a student an all.
Your parents may never fully approve to your face (they want to protect you), but deep down this will slowly all be having an effect.
I knew I had finally convinced my mum when she told me about a conversation she had been having with a work colleague. I had just had a nice tournament win of around £1000 ($2000). One of her work colleagues happened to ask about my gambling habit, to which she told them of my recent success. To this another work colleague replied that my playing poker was a disgusting habit, and she would be ashamed of her son if he was to gamble. Obviously, being a mother, she wants to protect peoples views of her son (whether or not she condones what I am doing), and so she challenged the comment, 'would you be ashamed of your son if he won money in one of the Tennis tournaments he is forever entering?'... I like to then think she bitch slapped the woman and her athletic super child back to the snotty nosed upper-class mansion they came from, but I don't think that's how it happened. The point is she challenged their view, she saw what it was like to be on the other side of the fence, and I think she finally understood!

[stigmata]

I'm 28, and I recently had similar problems telling my parents.

Most of the problem was commonly held misconceptions about Poker - that it is a "mugs game" (like roullete or slots), and cannot be won. That any person playing is a "Problem Gambler" who will waste their life away in smokey, dark casions. That online-gambling sites are dubious con-sites run by the russian-mafia, destined to rob you of every penny.

When I told my parents how much I was up, they wouldnt believe me. Even when I convinced them, they continued harrasing me - telling me to check out all my winnings from this dodgy "PartyPoker" site and never to play again. I was lucky. I was going to lose it all in a short space of time.

All I could do is sit down with them - as adults - and talk with them rationally. Would they be as worried if I had won the money playing Bridge? Or backgammon? Did they understand online Poker? I pointed them to a newspaper article in a broadsheet newspaper, which confirmed the reputability of online Poker, and also stated that you can win money if you are reasonably intelligent and read some books. I showed my parents the books I had read. I explained that most people had not read this books and were there to "gamble".

I talked about statistics and poker tracker. About my winrate and standard deviation. About downsings and bankroll requierements.

After all this, I think they are finally coming round to the point that you can make money, longterm, by being good at Poker. That it is a game of skill in the long term, and that I am a reasonably decent player.

It sounds like alot of the problem you have is the eternal Parent-Child relationship. It is only recently that I have come to the point in my life where my parents actually treat me like an adult. I basically had to show them that I was my own person, a responsible person, and responsible for my own mistakes. If they did not like my decisions, then that's their problem. But I achieved this by being reasonable, and honestly explaining my reasons for these choices in life that they did not like.

[BillsChips]

I'm coming at this from a completely different perspective than most of the twenty-something repliers.

The most important priority in your life right now needs to be your schooling. At your age, life and opportunity seems endless, but the reality is that you'll only get one shot at this (medical school). Poker will still be available to you when you're done with school. The reverse is not true.

The risk/reward is just not worth it.

[stigmata]

I totally agree with what your saying Bill, but I was trusting the guy when he stated that "I don't think that my playing has affected my studies".

I really don't see why you can't do a medical degree and play 14 hrs of poker a week. Most of the medical students I knew spent 14 hours a day at the bar, and they did OK....