creation, the untold story

[tolbiny]

At first there was nothing, and God was bored and decided to take a nap- so He created soft white fluffy things to lie down on, and he knew that it was good. After much time and many naps God grew older and he had to more and more frequently get up to take a leak halfway through his nap, so God created stars so he could find his way to the john when he needed. After a while God’s favorite place to take a dump began to fill up with the divine feces, so god created a place for the feces, and the created Gravity so the feces would fall to said place, and god saw that it was good.
Shortly god was bored and decided to create angles to talk to- and he did and he also created cars and sports to talk about, and fat angles to make fun of. And one day he created breasts, and he saw that they were very good, and then created female angles to put them on, and that was even better. After many orgies with his many female angels God craved a challenge, and he created the first prude, to determine if He who could control the cosmos could nail the one that He had made unnailable- and so the first paradox was born, and god saw that it was irritating.
After many attempts to nail the Prude, and blue balls the like of witch the universe has never seen, god was understandably a little frustrated. And god’s friends were all making fun of him for not being able to score so God invented alcohol to loosen the Prude up, and he saw that alcohol was good, and he got her drunk and nailed her.
Unfortunately the prude became clingly and wouldn’t let God watch football with his friends, so he had to repeatedly get her drunker and drunker till she passed out- and one day she passed out face down and God created Doggy Style sex- need I mention that it was GOOD? So god had it all at this point, except some of his favorite floozy angles would disappear from time to time, and God realized that they were falling off the clouds when they were drunk, and landing in the place he had created for his divine feces, which was called the most derogatory name of all- Earth. God realized that he couldn’t let his angles die like this, so he gave them wings to fly back up if they fell off.
But the size of the wing span needed for an angle to fly made doggy style sex awkward, for the wings would either block him out, or knock the lamp off the beside table if they were spread out. So god scraped part of the Earth clean, and created Angles without wings, but with boobies, and called them woman. But woman was irritating and wanted to go shopping, and cuddle, and all other kinds of crap that he didn’t want to do, so god created man to put up with her [censored]. At first man put up with it, but then man decided that it wasn’t worth it and left woman alone- so God gave man a penis and suddenly man was willing to put up with her crap again.
And this was the way the universe existed for millennia. Until after binge drinking one day, god decided to nail a fat chick, so he flew down to earth a found him a fatty, and tapped it, and went back home, and it wasn’t until the next morning when he was drinking off his hangover that he realized he had forgotten to wear a rubber the night before, and god’s sperm, being god’s sperm, had knocked the fatty up.
Well, this was bad as there was a big election coming up and if he wanted another term as god he needed to keep his base in the bible belt. So god needed a slimy lying sack of crap to get him out of this, so he created Karl Rove, and he saw that it was bad. But none the less Rove had a plan- if god would claim that his bastard child was actually the savior that he had Given to mankind he could actually pick up some votes in the pagan states as well as keeping his base.

[samjjones]

Spell Check Is Your Friend

[SL__72]

tl;dr