[PokerPaul]

I am lately caught in a bit of a mid-life or something like it crisis.

Here’s my situation. Up until a year and a half ago I had a great job in software industry, getting quite a great salary, for very reasonable working hours and conditions. It was a very niche business segment, so we didn’t get much work, but when we did get client, they would pay very high rates for this specialized knowledge.

I always knew however that the gravy train would end sometime, and last spring it did. Unfortuanately, I got laid off due to work shortage and our company having to cut costs, so they went with more junior consultants (which turned into a very bad move on their behalf, but that’s another story). Anyways, I wasn’t really too depressed about it, cuz I was getting really bored on that job after doing same thing for 8 years, and the office politics were getting ridiculous.

So after a nice negotiated severance package, I decided to take it easy over the course of the following 6 months, play poker fulltime, and spend more time with my young kids and enjoy a couple months off. Needless to say my wife needed some convincing that the poker would continue to pay the bills and allow her the lifestyle she’s accustomed.

The plan was to simply play poker, and take on some occasional clients myself for 2-6 week projects now and then. That worked for the first several months, but since then the clients have dried up (a major technological advancement in my field kind of automated now what I used to have to do manually for clients).

So for the last year straight its been almost playing poker for living exclusively. I love all the positive things that go with playing poker for a living, and I am in no way tired of game yet.

However, I am starting to ask myself more and more what I plan to do with my life over the next several years. As much fun as this currently is, I can’t realistically expect to do this for a living long term and support my family from it.

Not to mention the whole stigma this is creating between our social circles, for me and my wife. Some people think its cool, others think its highly irresponsible, and some think its downright negative. I don’t really care what others outside of my family think, but for my wife she needs to put up with people shaking their heads at it from time to time.

I also get ribbed from some of my own friends who always drop little verbal jabs that, oh you don’t have a job so of course you have time to pick up kids from school…or asking are you still unemployed??.

The truth is I love to play the game, I love to work on my skills, read up on strategies. The other truth is I just can’t seem to want to return to a regular 8-5 job. Its just too tempting to know I can do what I love, and make a good living at it (albeit not as highly paid as previous job). Although I do feel like the longer I stay out of regular workforce, the worse kind of job I’d have to settle for when I do decide to return.

Anyways, I am beating myself up and having sleepless nights lately cuz I can’t decide what I should do. Work a regular job, getting regular paycheques and have wife and social circles happy, but at expense of me not “loving” what I do, but instead just getting through the days. Or play poker, and settle for a little less money and luxuries, but enjoy immense freedom, and more time at home.

The thing is though its tough being a poker player. On a great day or week, you feel on top of the world and get all the positive emotions that go with it. During a bad week, not only can you blow through large amounts of bankroll (which now represent your phone bill, property taxes etc.), but you also start to question yourself and hate that this is what I’ve become.

I am really caught in the middle, and my wife is growing more impatient with this, which is understandable. I’m almost 40 with 2 kids, and while friends and former university class mates are just entering their prime earning years of their careers, and advancing to executive levels, here I am grinding it out at online poker. I gotta give my wife much credit for putting up with this as long as she has, but its getting to point of I really gotta decide which way I want to go in my life, and pursue it whole heartedly.

Any relevant advice appreciated.