I lost my 3 year old son. He was injured a week ago Monday and died in my arms two days later, there is no personal hell worse than the impotence I felt watching him fight and fail in the hospital. All my knowledge, all my faith, all my will could not help, now I’m here with my memories. Austin along with his sisters focused my life, it is an odd phenomenon that men start life so selfish and end it so humbled by their devotion to others. My children transformed me into a better person than I could have ever reached on my own. They are my most precious things, and I would do anything to protect every last hair that lies on their heads. So as you can imagine my grief has been massive. My first thoughts were to quit and run home, yes my wife had the same first idea too, I find it funny as an adult I want to go run home to momma but there it is. This however is the quitter’s option and I have too much to do to just quit on life.
Our family is going through counseling for our loss, however there are things that are now approaching me in my poker life that I’m uncertain of. I have derived a significant portion of my income over the last 2.5 years from poker and my only income from poker over the last 18 months. I have become very use to the routines, the swings, and the grind of daily play. I won’t say it’s always enjoyable but it has been better than many other jobs I have held in the past. Now for the first time since I began playing many years ago I’m scared to sit at a table, and there are no counselors who know. I have always had a natural emotional detachment that I just can’t muster right now and I don’t know how to get it back. When I sit and assume that “state” the guilt of not being in torment is worse than the torment itself.
I fear my poker playing days may have come to an end. So far I have canceled my trip to the WSOP, it just doesn’t hold any draw for me right now, I’ll try dropping stakes way down and just playing and I’ll continue on with the local counselors. I have no idea when I will see many of you next, I am very thankful for the help that two plus two has imparted to me, but unfortunately I haven’t found the book that can cure this ill.