[x2ski]

For the past few weeks I have been trying to eat better. Instead of one terribly-unhealthy, gigantic meal per day (right before bed), I've been eating 5-8 smaller meals to get my metabolism back on track.

The meals consist mainly of whey protein shakes, yogurt, Dannon Frusions, chicken tortilla wraps (w/ lettuce, onion, tomato etc.), tuna sandwiches on multi-grain breads, oatmeal, and the occasional Egg Beaters with Boca sausages (flavored soy protein). So far it's been working out well, and it's been very easy to implement

I've been very impressed with the convincing flavor of Boca sausages... To me, they taste almost excatly like regular sausages, which brings me to tonight's experiment.

The grocery store I go to carries pretty much everything. There are several international food aisles which make you believe you are in a foreign country, given all the exotic products (it's amazing what the Japanese consider "candy"... shrimp seem to be popular over there) . There are also many organic/whole foods aisles. Given my past success with Boca sausages, I decided to give tofu a try. The store has a section loaded with products to accomodate eating tofu: tofu burger mix, tofu taco mix, tofu hummus mix, tofu mashed potatoes, tofu scrambled eggs, tofu smoked salmon (j/k) etc. One of these products caught my eye... tofu gyros.

Damn, gyros are good. I like gyros a lot, but they aren't something you normally "whip up 'cause you have extra lamb in the freezer." And the picture on the box looked very appealing. So, I grabbed the box, a couple pounds of firm tofu as the box suggested, some pita bread and ingredients for the cuke sauce. I was pretty stoked, 'cause if people can make soy protein taste like breakfast sausage, it shouldn't be too hard to make tofu last like meat for gyros.

I get home and get cookin'... According to the box, "combine contents with tofu and water to desired firmness". First of all, wtf do I do with the tofu juice that's already in the container? I decided to discard it, was that wrong? Anyway, I mixed it all up and let stand for 10 minutes as the directions requested. The gyro mix consisted mainly of couscous... wtf?

After 10 minutes, I am instructed to form patties and fry in oil. Form patties? Are you freakin' kidding me? It's like trying to fry a pile of wild kittens... Kittens can move, trust me.

After my failure to fry "tofu patties", I noticed another recipe on the box regarding a "gyro loaf", so I threw the mixture into a bread pan and baked at 375 for 25 minutes as instructed. After 25 minutes, it appeared as though my loaf hadn't baked at all, so I left it in for an additional half-hour (in 10-minute intervals). I finally took it out after it being in the oven for almost an hour, and it still didn't seem cooked at all. I sliced a piece and through together a gyro, and the tofu part tasted like absolutely nothing.

Completely flavorless.


I decided to try the frying pan again, along with some Cavender's Greek Seasoning, garlic, and other spices in an attempt to salvage this train wreck.

I sliced pieces from the loaf and placed them - very delicately - into the frying pan. They fell apart anyway so I decided to just stir up everything and add my own personal seasonings. 45 minutes later, it seems like I'm finally cooking the stuff, but there are still completely uncooked white pieces among the dark brown "cooked" pieces. Do I have the wrong idea on how this stuff is supposed to look when cooked up?

Regardless, it seems as though tofu is the blackhole of flavor. Sure, flavor goes in... But it sure as hell doesn't come out. I threw in garlic, oregano, Cavender's, Frank's, chipotle marinade, garlic powder and red pepper flakes, and they all seem to have disappeared.

Is tofu Soylent Green? Is tofu people?



If anyone has any solid tofu recipes, feel free to let me know. At $1.39 a pound, it isn't that bad of a deal. But so far, I teh suk at the tofu.