[Jazza]

**WARNING** long post

a few weeks ago i had a wacko disturbing dream out of no where, i thought about posting it, but didn't, but now i'll post it here:

so the dream starts out than i'm doing some volunteer work for some mentally handicapped people, at the mall or something, and this is like a 3 times a week thing for a couple hours or so. anyway, there's this really good looking blonde, who unless you heard her speak you would not know she is mentally retarded. she had the mental capacity of around a 6 year old.

let me just state now that there is no way that in real life i would ever have anything but a strictly friends relationship with a mentally handicapped person (precisly for the reason that everyone else would think: i'm an [censored]/i'm weird/i'm a sick individual etc.)

back to the dream, so the funny thing iv'e never seen this girl in real life, i don't even know her name. so after one of the work-with-retard sessions she wants to go see a movie, and the dude who's running this charity thing is like "hey Jim you go take her", so we walk over to the movies (not far cause we're already at the mall). she's like totally happy to see these movies and i'm all like happy cause she's happy.

so after every work-with-retard session we go see the movies, she's always happy, like always smiling and giddy and stuff, which makes me always happy. after a while i figure out that the reason she's so happy is cause she like's me (after she moves in for a kiss), she doesn't really care about the movies, and i realize i like her too, i'm i'm all like panicking cause i have this split second decision to make, thinking like "is this wrong? is this illegal?" but, emotion takes over us both, and we fall in love.

then there's an overlly happy love montage, and were both like smilling 24/7 and looking at each others eyes. funny thing is this all takes place in a mall, i think the whole dream did.

so, one day we're at the mall, and we're que-ed up in one of those coles-express 8 items or less lines, and we're doing are giddy in love thing, and these three guys behind us in line are giving her [censored] for being retarted, and giving me [censored] for being in love with her. i try to ignore em for a bit, but i see that confrontation is inevitable, so i turn around, all 3 are about my size (which sucks, if they are smaller you don't have to worry about getting your ass kicked, if they are way bigger you can be like "meh, what-are-you-gonna-do?) so then i start like shouting at these guys in an angry crazy way, they all get quiet and look a little scared, so i keep shouting and stuff untill i'm sure that they think that i'll flip out if they talk to me again.

then this girl ahead of me in line sees a canybar in my jacket pocket, then calls over to secuirty guards. i'm suprised to find i have a candy bar in my pocket, and figure out my retarded girlfriend put it there (don't know why), and now the security guards are hauling me away (i guess cause they thought i was stealing), so now i'm like mega-pissed, i'm all hopped up from shouting at those dudes, and so now i'm pissed at retarted girlfriend (RG from now on, cause i don't know her name).

RG is getting a bit confused, afraind, and hysterical from all the comotion, and she doesn't really know what's goin on, but she does know that i now hate her, and so she's all like crying and stuff.

now comes a time lapse (either that's the way the dream happened, or i forgot some of it) and i see RG is like franticly looking around the mall for some shoes for me. i can tell (i don't know how) that she is devastated that i hate her, and that she thinks it's her fault, and she can make it all better by finding me the right pair of shoes.

now comes another time lapse (again i'm not sure if i forgot some of the dream) and now i'm in a totally frantic, hysterical, crying panick. i no longer hate RG, i love her (and all throughout this dream i can feel all these emotions as if they were totally real). i'm in this locker room, and although i can barely think logically in my current state of mind, i feel the strong urge to dig up the ground, and i'm not sure why. so i'm digging as fast as i can, and then i see this thick plastic bag (the kind that's think enough that you cannot rip it open with your hands, but you can still see through it), and inside the plastic bag, stapled shut, is RG's head.

and she's still alive, and she's trying to talk to me. she doesn't really understand that she's about to die, and she's all happy to see me, and is like asking/hoping that i still love her. so obviously this has magnified my emotional state of confusion/hysterical/frantic, especially confusion, cause i was thinking how the [censored] this all happened. so at this point i some how know that there are other plastic bags that have the rest of her body, and i believe that if i find them all soon, i can some how put her back together and all will be well. but in the back of my mind i know she's a gonner.

so i'm running around trying to find the other bags, still holding her head in the plastic bag in a way that she looking up at my face, she's asking stuff like "what are you doing?" and i'm all like "uhh... just looking for something." it's around now that the reason she is in all these plastic bags is slowly creeping into the back of my mind.

then out of no where my sister's dogs run's over, starts to dig in the ground, find's RG's neck in a plastic bag, rips it open, and just before he starts shreading the neck apart i run over and scream at the dog to get the [censored] away (again my emotional state being magnified), and RG's head is still sayin stuff like "what's goin on?", she looks calmish and happy

so now i have the head and the neck, still beleiving i can fix her (but in the back of my mind i know i can't, and my emotions seem to be aware of this), and at this point it becomes clear to me that i was the one that cut her up and put her in the bags and burried them, but i have no idea why or how.

then out of no where one of my cats comes out and digs up the legs (this is the only part of the dream that i can relate to anything real, because the night before i was opening up my tent to check it was ok, and the cat jumped on it and started to scratch it, so i yelled at it and it ran away), the dog comes back and digs up the toreso, and they both start tearing it all up, and i am full blown crying and screaming at the animals, knowing there's no hope, RG's still asking what's goin on and stuff, i'm now feeling extremely: guilty, confused, frantic, afraid, hysterical, sad, hating myself, still loving RG, and just as i was about to give up hope and just fall on the ground from exaustion both physical and mental, my alarm goes off.

it's 5:00am, and i'm getting up early to go hiking. so now i am wide awake, and so full of fear i don't want to move my arm from under my blanket to turn on a light switch that is about 10cm from my head. at about 5:15am i build up the courage to do that, and at about 5:30am i build up the courage to make it to the shower. this didn't make any sense either, what was i afraid of? i was thinking this at the time, but logical thought did not win the day. this was a reminder of how much control our emotions can have over our decisions.