This is pretty hard for me to put out there especially a public place such as the internet, but it is something I have finally decided to face. Ever since I entered school as small child I was always told I was extremely intelligent and mature for my age. I was put in advanced classes because of my test scores and was always complimented by my parents because of this which made me feel good. I was an extremely good student and had straight A’s until 6th grade.

However, when I entered Jr. High I lost any interest I had in my classes and began to devote myself to reading books such as the Catcher in the Rye and playing the game Magic: The Gathering. I posted my first B in the history of my school career in the first quarter of sixth grade and my parents were furious. My dad yelled at me for hours on end about how I would be a failure if I didn’t get my act together. I was so traumatized by his anger that I started to hide report cards from my father.

Starting in High School I approached it with a strong desire to perform well to please my father and get into a prestigious college. I decided to attend a magnet science school which my father consistently told me was above my head. I didn’t believe him but once again my grades were mediocre and this continued until my senior year.

I am now a freshman in college and attend UTPA. I just posted a straight 4.0 which is the reason I am posting this. See I am afraid of succeeding. Whether it is at poker, standardized tests, or even with girls it is hard for me to put my all into something. One example is how I spent all night partying the day before my SAT when I knew fully well I needed a good score. During final exam week I refused to go to study and decided to play poker online straight through the night. I have no idea on where these attempts to sabotage my potential are coming from but I would like for them to stop.

It seems that the conflicts between my father and I are at the root of this problem but I have no idea how to approach this. I don’t fault his motives because of his background. He is a lawyer but grew up in Mexico where he and his 5 brothers and sisters were forced to work in the fields picking crops. He was the only one to graduate high school and he obviously takes education very seriously. He never hit me in these tirades but it was not uncommon for him to verbally call me names.

What I am hoping to accomplish by posting this is trying to uncover a way I can remove this barrier my mind has set for itself. At the risk of sounding extremely arrogant, I am certain I am extremely intelligent but haven’t realized my full potential. I constantly set myself up as to allow myself an excuse as to why I failed at something.

Thank you for your help.