[Soxx Clinton]

I am an ex-boozehound. I got physically dependent on it and it sucks. Physical withdrawal is unbelievably painful. It is sort of like a combination of extreme panic like anxiety (someone chasing after you with an axe) combined with flu-like physical symptoms.

Before I was ultimately sent to the hospital, I tried to quit several times on my own. My symptoms started within a few hours of my last drink, included hearing and seeing things that weren't there, the severe anxiety as mentioned above, inability to eat, constant vomiting, etc. etc.

Ironically the only thing that made it go away if 4 or 5 drinks, after which I would be as calm as a cat lolling in the sunshine.

Once the symptoms start, it is UNBELIEVABLY tempting to get rid of them by simply doing the only you know that works (ie. have a few drinks). In fact, the whole situation is so horrifying that it all but becomes a necessity. This is the overpowering urge that is really meant by the term "craving" in severe dependency. Getting high is not the point anymore- just being normal for a few minutes more is. If this is lack of willpower then so be it. Anybody who has been through it will pretty much laugh at the question, "why don't you just suck it up and quit".

Anyway, after being in the hospital for a week, and gradually detoxing with barbs, it took about a month for me to feel normal again.

The problem with definitions as I see it is that there are a lot of idiots who drink too much and cause problems the same way people overdo it with credit cards or call in sick too much out of laziness. Then there are people who are just exploding with the actual physical reality of chemical dependence.

Perhaps I was irresponsible in the early stages, or perhaps I have a inherited disease. I have no idea. But for me, at some point, the "addiction" or whatever you want to call it became very real, immediate, and horrifying to the extreme.

Anyway, the idea of ultimately becoming a social drinker again or teaching myself "willpower" is silly. Obviously my intent is total abstinence for obvious reasons.

As for AA I found it helpful for the first few months, more so because people there were coping with the same sort of wreckage that I was (money, legal, family etc.) and it helped to be around people who knew how it felt and what was going on. I think the religious elements of the program are a shame and I ultimately quit going because of that.