[sexdrugsmoney]

[ QUOTE ]
My marriage is totally [censored].

I've been married for just under 7 years and have a 2 year old son. My wife has always had somewhat of a bitchy streak, but we had fun together.

Things started getting bad 4 or so years ago. I was in a busy job and put her through school.. while she was at school she ended up hooking up with a dude and having a 1 night afair... we almost got divorced right then, but decided to work through it... things were better for awhile.

We accidently had a kid after that. Things were great as we were working preparing for the baby. They were pretty good right after he was born as well.

But, over the last year and a half, things have become terrible between the two of us. We arguing and fighting, a lot. We haven't had sex in forever.

We started seeing a marriage counselor, and things were getting slightly better... but then, she had a breakdown, was comitted to a mental health hospital for a week and ended up being diagnosed with manic depression. This was a few months ago.

They are working on her meds, but when she lapses, she treats me like crap and constantly blames me for issues that she is failing to take control of in her life. She is fairly abusive in this regard.

I hate it.

It is my understanding that it takes 2 years for someone to get balanced and ajust their behavior after something like this, but I don't know if I can handle it. I also am concerned that after 2 years things won't be any different.

I'm on the edge of requesting a divorce or a separation, but then I think of my son... I live in Washington and am told that even if someone is a hard core drug user, parental rights are split, so he would be with her at least 50% of the time. Things would be fine now, but if as he gets older she treats him like she does me, it will [censored] him up. I feel that even if I made a decision that I should leave for myself, I couldn't do it because I would need to protect him.

There are a few financial matters to consider too though. Suppose I decide to stay for X years just to make sure he is ok.. but then want to get divorced.. I am going to take it in the ass financially. (Alimony is paid for half the number of years you are married... and the longer I am married, the more retirement/savings I am going to have to split)

So, the options I'm considering are:

1) Sticking with therapy and seeing how things work out.
2) Divorce
3) Postnup but continue to work on marriage issues -- split assets now and document in a postnup. Fix the number of years of alimony payment to 3.5 based on my current salary.
4) Postnup like above, but "separate" emotionally and live together to take care of our son. We would be legally married, but woulde effectively be roomates and could do whatever.

Any idea from people who have been through this kind of thing before?

Also, can anyone in Washington state recommend a good family lawyer?

Thanks

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First of all, I'm going to say I have never had a serious relationship nor been married, but I have been a son, and know someone close who has tried the 'room mate' thing which did not work. (they even went on a very expensive $30,000 overseas trip for a couple of months to 'find out if there was any love there' but there wasn't, and now they are 'room mates' and the kids know the love is gone, + they are $30,000 grand in the hole for their expensive second pseudo-honeymoon)

I think you need to divorce for these reasons:

1) The treatment may not work after 2 years and then you and your son will be in that situation if you stay married.

2) If your son has to witness you two fighting if the treatment doesn't work, it will seriously affect his home life and the way he percieves relationships if you stay married.

3) If the treatment doesn't work and you divorce, I'm sure you could get full custody of your son with the right lawyer if her beahviour isn't acceptable after a period of time. You sound like you will be a great dad to your son, and will be able to explain to him any questions he may have about his mothers condition and why things turned out that way.

4) If the treatment does work, and you have 50/50 custody that's cool too. The kid gets to spend time with both of you equally and your ex-wife may be happier and there is a possiblity you may get back together later, or you both may move on, either way the kid wins.

5) Money. Life is long, you work hard, and prices go up. Get out now, pay your alimony while you have a good job. The future is unclear, when it rains it poors, you don't deserve that. If you divorce now, there is nothing saying you can't trial dating again with your wife if she gets better if you both want, and it'll be cheaper.

6) (and here's the kicker) It sounds like she doesn't respect you.

I know jack-sht about your situation, I mean 7 years you've had, so I'm not going to 'diagnose' how she feels about you in 7 minutes, but this is how it appears.

It could be the Bipolar talking, or it could just be frustration and half-thought, but the fact that she had an affair and takes all her problems out on you (I assume she picks you up on all your faults too) shows a lack of respect IMHO.

I think the biggest factor you have to think about is your kid. He didn't ask to be born and the onus is on you to give that kid the best possible chance in life, and staying married only seems to hurt all parties currently from what you have said. (not to mention you, emotionally and financially)

That's my 2c, take care buddy, I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

Cheers,
SDM