[chesspain]

shaddix,

I can tell that you are going through a very rough time at the moment. However, I am concerned about a couple of your points:

1) You said that you just started taking Adderal to make yourself feel better, and that you vary your does according to your mood. However, Adderal is a highly controled and highly addictive medication. Are you getting it prescribed (rather than buying it on the street)? And if so, were you not taking it regularly until recently? Assuming that you are getting this by prescription, please make an appointment ASAP with your medical provider to discuss your mood and medications. Both Lamictal and Adderal are rather tricky to dose properly--it often takes good rapport between doctor and patient, along with trial and error experimentation, to figure out the dosing levels at which you should be.

2) You clearly have a number of self-esteem issues hitting you at this time, given the codependency issues, the abandonment issues, your poker doubts, the "I'm trying to cope with my mental illness" struggles, etc. I hope that you are regularly seeing a qualified mental health therapist to help you try to stay grounded and to work through these issues. If not, please talk with your medical provider immediately about giving you a referral. You owe it to yourself to get the help that you need to begin feeling more stable.

Good luck,

chesspain