[IndieMatty]

Not Going to Phone it in Tonight

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Performed by (in order of appearance):
Steve Martin, Victoria Jackson, Mike Myers, Julia Sweeney, Tim Meadows,
Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon, Joe, Lorne Michaels on 14 Dec 1991
(Steve Martin)


SM: Somethings out there. (whistle) Somethings in the air. (whistle)
Don't know how, don't know why, got a feeling
tonights the night, I'm actually gonna try.
Not going to phone it in tonight,
not going to go through the motions tonight.
This time I'm really gonna do the best I can.
Mr. Cue Card Man put those cards down over there,
but for some reason tonight I care!

VJ: You care? SM: That's right!

That's why I'm not gonna phone it in tonight,
not going to read my screenplay during the songs tonight.
I can walk through my part and still be hilarious,
I've done it so often before.
But look at these faces, look at this fat guy,
he wants more, he wants more!

Fat Guy: Hey, I'm not that fat! SM: Please !?!

So many times I've faked it, just because I could - I'm that good!

VJ: He's that good.
SM: But 20% won't do tonight.
MM: Mr. Martin, I'll do it for you tonight.
JS: Gonna do something different tonight,
something says, not to just do Pat tonight.
TM: I don't have any lines, I'm not in the show,
but something tells me that if I were I'd be rearing to go.
CF: Not gonna get liquored up tonight, Not gonna have a drink tonight,
I'm not gonna drink, till Update is through,
that's a promise to you the viewer.
Yeah, after the show, I'll drink till I spew
but for now, I'm committed for you.
PH: I hide behind these wigs and this makeup,
but tonight I'm gonna let my self shine through,
Yes, Their going to see the real Phil Hartman tonight!
SM: I wouldn't do that Phil. PH: OK.
SM: Follow me everyone, let's go make an effort!

All: Not going to have dead air tonight,
Gonna seem as if we care tonight.
KN: But Steve, why do you care, aren't you rich?
SM: I'm worth 17 million, I could buy and sell you and you and you
a thousand times over, but tonight there's a show to do.
Joe: Five minutes till monologue, Mr. Martin.
SM: Thanks, Joe.
Joe: I can't ever get fired, I've got a union job,
but somehow tonight it doesn't matter that I'm in with the mob.
Stagehands: Gonna move our big lard asses tonight
Gonna move our fat Teamster asses tonight!


SM: Make way.
LM: Steve, what's going on?
SM: Oh, we're going to do our best tonight, Lorne.
LM: Why, the shows on automatic pilot,
I don't even come in until Saturday.
SM: Lorne don't you see, that's not the way it was in the 70's.
Back in the 70's, people cared. They... they believed in something.
Now it's the 80's and everythings...
yuppie, yuppie, yuppie,... spend, spend spend.
LM: Steve, it's the 90's.
SM: Whatever. The point is...
(Singing again) I've always wanted to see,
how good I could be, I just want to know...
LM: (in fake opera voice) Then go, Steve, go and do a great show!
SM: Thank you Lorne. I've never felt so alive!
God, I feel young again, I feel... 38! Come on everybody...

All: We're going to learn our lines, do our parts well,
then we'll go back to coasting, but not while Steve's host,
Cause we're not gonna phone it in tonight
Not going to screw up one line tonight.
SM: I made it happen!
ALL: Steve made it happen.
SM: Now it is time. Live from New York... (pause) Line!...
It's Saturday Night!