No offense Rivermonger, but it doesn't sound like you believe you can do anything to resolve or improve your self-imposed misery. And this is important: IT IS SELF-IMPOSED. To reiterate, you are chosing to think in this crazy, illogical, dichotomous fashion.

I would be in the depths of a serious major depression if I thought the way you did (and I used to). And I 'don't want to pay the doctor bill.' But, if you are as poverty-stricken as you say you are (and I have no reason to doubt) you may not need money to get comprehensive medical attention. First of all, if you are poor and/or mentally disabled (bipolar is recognized as a severe medical impairment) you probably quality for medicaid/medical assistance. And if you're too mentally disorganized to work you could get disability. Futhermore, many therapists and mental health professionals work on sliding scales. Also, the materials I referenced (by Albert Ellis on rational emotive psychology) are free or inexpensively purchased used. Even if you didn't quality for anything you could see a medical professional anyways since bankruptcy is in your imminent future and the law says you have to be treated at the ER if they accept federal medical insurance.

BTW, I didn't mean to state or imply drugs were your only hope. I personally have found working on thinking more rationally has improved my life exponentially. I was in a really vile, pathetic position about 3 years ago and it literally saved my life. A psychologist gave me CBT (cognitive-behavioral psychology) book for free and I actually employed the techniques and worked with great desire to improve my thinking and self-defeating behaviors. It worked it my estimation. Let me tell you something, I was probably in a position similar to yours. And this is why you will never get the symphathy you think you deserve on this message board: almost all of us have had extremely difficult, nasty, unfair cirumstances and have been forced to overcome them. There is nothing special or unique about your case. You come across as egotistical (not to me) but to others because I think it appears as though you vastly over-rate the importance of your material problems. I don't think most people wish harm on you; they just think it sounds like you're having whining tantrums about how life is unfair and how you've been mistreated. They are simply saying: GET OVER IT!

I hope you reread my original message. I adamently tried to describe the reason for your misery (which is obvious). Perhaps I failed. PEOPLE AND THINGS DO NOT DISTURB US, rather we upset OURSELVES by believe they CAN disturb us. You are not upset, depressed and miserable because you are poor or because your your girlfriend left you. You are upset, depressed and miserable because of your beliefs about being poor or being shunned. If you didn't believe 'I musn't be poor or I will be hopelessly depressed and useless' you wouldn't be so miserable. You probably would realize you're in an unfortunate position that isn't desireable and would try to improve your financial status.

Assume that A is an 'activating event' like losing a girlfriend or being broke. Many people falsely believe that they are depressed becaus something negative (like the above) happened. Let us plot a few variables and see what your situation looks like.

A='Activating Event' Losing girlfriend and going broke
B='Belief about Activating Event' This is HORRIBLE and I can't stand it. How unfair and cruel. This is AWFUL!
C='Consequence' You feel very hopeless, angry and depressed

Now, it's not activating event 'A' that actually makes you upset and depressed. Rather, intervening variable 'B' is the culprit. Your negative cognitive-emotive result is a function of your ideology on poverty and being dumped, not the actual event itself. Let us replace 'B' with a more rational thought and see what happens:

A='Activating Event' Losing girlfriend and going broke
B='Belief about Activating Event' This is very unfortunate, frustrating and upsetting but I can still find ways to find enjoyment in my life and next time use better judgment. C='Consequence' You feel healthy remorse and a healthy level of frustration that leads you to make better choices in the future. You don't feel hopelessly powerless and suicidal but instead tell yourself 'tough luck, this is highly unfortunate but that's life.'

Anyways, this model (which is admittedly an oversimplification of the original to some extent) has helped me in a tremendous way. I was living in an ant-infested apartment with $15,000 in credit card debt from medical bills and felt suicidal and miserable. I utilized these cognitive techniques and effectively and rationally dealt with financial, emotional, and economic problems (rather than having tantrums and making unrealistic demands of the world and myself). I'm saying you could do the same if only you'd give up your irrational set of beliefs and behaviors.

Good luck,

JeffreyREBT