It sounds like you're assuming a victim role stance, which isn't surprising given that you think you're powerless over other people and events. Also, you apparently have a problem with dichotomous 'all or nothing' type thinking. For example, you say either you commit suicide or you steal mom's money. I would be pretty miserable too if I believed those were my only two options. Rather, you have a whole host of other options you have discounted. Perhaps you're unaware that you don't have to allow yourself to think and behave in a self-defeating, irrational manner. In fact, people and things do not disturb us, rather we disturb ourselves by believing they CAN disturb us. You act as though you're the innocent victim of a heartless witch (ex-girlfriend) but in reality you've allowed yourself to be exploited.

Also, if we take your ideology to the extreme all people who are having severe financial problems like bankruptcy should commit suicide. Can't you see how insane this is? I think you should seriously consider seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist (and/or psychiatrist) to work on your absolutist, dichotomous, and generally irrational thinking. You are definately awfulizing and catastrophizing and the obvious result is severe depression. The problem is not what has happened to you, rather your beliefs about what have happened to you. For it's your beliefs and not the original activating event (e.g. going broke) that leads to the cognitive/emotive consequence.

If you're mind isn't racing too fast and you're composed enough to read a book I recommend reading anything by Albert Ellis (founder of cognitive therapy, specifically Rational-Emotive Therapy). In particular, try 'How to Stubbornley Refuse to Allow Yourself to Feel Miserable About Anything...YES ANYTHING!' If you can't afford a copy go to your local library or try Amazon.com for used copies.

If you truly feel imminently suicidal you need immediate medical help, beyond what anybody here can offer. I truly hope the best for you and can relate as I take anti-convulsants for mood-disorder (bipolar and Aspergar's). Also, I was $15,000 in the hole due to medical bills. I was extremely depressed but fought my way back over 3 years (it wasn't easy). The fight itself can be rewarding in and of itself. That being said, get thy butt to the hospital if you feel out of control or suicidal.

JeffreyREBT