Re: opening to my essay
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how's this as an opening to my essay that was due 2 weeks ago?
The problem with an advanced society is that with each new development, life becomes easier. Technology enables machines to do work that otherwise would have to be done by manpower. New materials and clothing keep the men and women warm rather than forcing them become accustomed to adverse conditions. Improvements in medicine and the preparation and storage of food create immune systems that are not prepared to deal with the removal of these developments. At the turn of the century Britain was arguably the most advanced nation. One could surmise that this enabled them to lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle. Certainly the hardships they had to go through on a daily basis were less than that of the average Boer of South Africa, or even inhabitants of Canada. This meant that Britain’s men were becoming weak.
if you can think of better anecdotes than the 3 i listed please share.
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this is a very terrible opening paragraph if you want to talk about the scouts. and if your response is "but then i go on to talk about the scouts" you might want to repost the whole paragraph, instead of just the part that's not about your thesis.
thesis paragraphs are, after all, about stating your thesis. asking someone what they think of your thesis paragraph without including the thesis part, just some sentences, vaguely comprising a paragraph, is not great work man.
With what's there, I'd say your opening sentence is weak, and at least for the next few sentences, your sentences get weaker.
For instance, at the moment, it appears that your thesis for your paper is "the problem with ... becomes easier." not only is this a [censored] thesis, it's not the thesis you intent to write about.
Continuing, you make a totally random jump to Britain a few sentences in, that doesn't follow at all. In fact, even the sentence bringing in Britain isn't very good. Your use of the word "surmise" is terrible, and well, this is the thesis, you're not supposed to be telling the audience what they could surmise, you're supposed to state things, or state what *you* are going to surmise. There's no reason that anyone should "surmise" that being the most advanced nation means that you lead a relatively easy and luxurious lifestyle, so there's no reason to tell your readers that that's what they might do. Further, what the hell is an easy and luxurious lifestyle? Surely you don't mean that we're supposed to believe that all British people have some servant (not British, of course) who feeds them peeled grapes all day and massages their back.
Finally, the last 2 sentences make no sense at all, and are totally not related to anything else that precedes them.
If you want further help with this sort of thing, you might again, want to post the whole paragraph, instead of not. As it is, I don't nkow if you wanted help, or just to show off your cool paragraph. Both ways, though, weren't so good.
c
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excellent post.
i just read it, shook my head and lamented at what passes for writing in schools.
then i read what the TOPIC was and almost spit up my water. introductory paragraph that doesn't even MENTION the main idea of the paper. rediculous.
to housenuts: how old are you? what is the assignment? who chose the topic? what grade are you in? what class is this for? what are the grading criteria? how long must the paper be? are sources required? are footnotes and other citings required? is there a particular type of essay structure to which your teacher would like you to adhere (other than the simple Thesis/intro, body, conclusion model)?
Barron
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