[AleoMagus]

Hi Stoneii.

Yeah, I suppose more ambitious goals are the obvious answer, but I guess the fact that I didn't set overly ambitious goals this year is part of my problem. I knew this year that I probably should have, but didn't.

From an objective standpoint, I look at online poker right now and say "anyone with a decent game could make a killing if they stay disciplined and put in the hours" but I know the reality of my own situation too well I guess.

I just don't have the motivation to put in the hours, and I think a part of me seriously doesn't even believe that I could make a killing. I don't know why I don't believe it, but I guess I just don't.

Maybe part of it is because a past attempt at playing poker as my sole source of income worked out so badly. I wasn't meeting my expenses every month and in the end my bankroll just got eaten away over a few months. Granted I was way less seasoned back then, and I have come a long way, but still.

Then there is the less tangible aspect of my dissatisfaction... The real goals that I'd like to acheive are not really things that I think a person should be setting as goals.

For example, I'd like to make a final table at a televised poker event. Something like a WSOP preliminarly event would be nice. Seriously.

But this is a silly goal for a number of reasons. I have never even been to vegas let alone played in a big buy-in tourney. Also, how can you set a goal on something so subject to variance when at most, if I sacrificed an uncomfortably big chunk of yearly profit, I could only play one or two anyways.

So I ask myself... Why do I want this? Maybe I can get what I really want some other way? Well, becasue as it is, I think I am a great player and I am proud of what I have acheived, but deep down I'll admit, I'm tired of shooting fish in a barrel and I want some approval. A little recognition that I feel gets doled out far too frequently to sub-par players who win sattelites and don't really play a high level game. I want that recognition and I want to compete against a higher calibre of player.

A while ago, I went home and visited my father for the first time in a long time, and when I was there I downloaded Partypoker to play one night. The next day, he went to the icon and renamed it "Addictive Sickness". I just laughed like I often do, and explained that without poker I wouldn't be surviving, which I think he even understands, but still... It really bugged me.

Sad father doesn't undertand story bla bla bla, I know.

That's not the point. This attitude seems to resonate from many in my life right now, and I undertand why. Because poker for me is so confined to a generally hard to understand and appreciate environment - namely online play.

I mean, I am certainly not impressed when I hear that someone has a x% ROI over y SNGs. I can only imagine how this sort of thing goes over other people's heads, not that I would know, becasue I am smart enough to not even try and explain.

Reading over this, I sound like some kind of insecure teenager, but let me assure you that I only use examples of other people in my life to express a deeper personal feeling of dissatisfaction. In the end, if it was just my dad who thought poker was a waste of time, then big deal, but in some real way, I am starting to think poker as it exists in my life right now is becoming a waste of time.

Well, obviously that is wrong. Poker is clearly not a waste of time for me... But I guess I just want a lot more from it.

Regards
Brad S