Probably not
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#1) I am and have been a [gambling] addict for nearly a decade, losing hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars [in poker].
#2) It has completely destroyed my life, in various ways and I can not deny this no matter what I try to tell myself.
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This would have been enough for the response I am about to give, for what it's worth anyway, but there's more on your status :
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My problem ... is [that] even when I KNOW without a doubt, without any reason to doubt, and with the feeling deep down that I am beat... I will not drop. This is my first problem.
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My second problem is I like the RUSH of playing big stake games, I would buy in for $200 I had that I could spare that week.. Buyin at the $1K NL Tables min buyin and either have a good week or bad week.. Eventually losing it all regardless.
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That's enough.
I used to know quite a bit about substance addiction. Empirically speaking, the odds are extremely heavily stacked against
- a former alcoholic getting to be a wine connoisseur,
- a former cocaine junkie being able to "enjoy the occasional hit"
- a serial wife beater becoming a tender companion
- a compulsive gambler getting to be an advantage player
- etc.
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I truly DO and have for a couple years now believe I am a good player when I play the game the way it should be played.
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No, you are deluding yourself. William Burroughs knew about drugs more than most doctors but he was still shooting up.
The single bright aspect of your condition is that you are aware of it - and seeking help. So carry the ball to the end line! There is one objective and one objective only : Quit gambling completely and forever.
You gotta identify the sources of your addiction-prone behavior and you gotta find other things to do, instead. You are possibly quite good at something other than poker, which you don't know yet. In any case, you should probably consider seeking professional help in this effort.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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