[piki]

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dude, this hand is a horror show. Is this a joke that's over my head? Raise preflop, bet turn, bet 1/2 to 2/3 the pot on river, and don't ever flat call behind with the nuts in hopes goofball overcalls

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He doesn't have the nuts, the board is paired.

Bet the turn. Bet the river. (Real bet, not $5.)

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If I bet the river, no way am I getting paid off. Putting a week bet in on the river, worked perfect. Villian came over the top, and paid me off.
I did not put either player on a set, on the turn. Why would I bet the nuts on the turn, if both were drawing dead? If I bet out here, it looks like I hit my flush draw, and both fold.

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Why are you asking for advice if you have all this figured out already?