[miajag81]

Kill Cruise
(1990)
***
Shortly after meeting two floozy British dames, a down-on-his-luck sailor (Jürgen Prochonow) agrees to take them on a four-week sail to Barbados, which pretty much soon is regretted by all. His passengers, Su and Lou (or as Prochnow’s pronounciation has it, Zoo and Lou), are played respectively by bitchy Patsy Kensit and a rather rough-looking Elizabeth Hurley, before she shed baby fat and knew how to wax her upper lip. If her near-unibrow doesn’t embarrass her now, certainly the humiliating striptease sequence has to. Seriously, if the board at Estée Lauder gets wind of this one, they’ll void that spokesperson contract lickety-split. Hell, Prochnow is prettier than she is in this one.
Anyway, for some reason, he takes them on a four-week sail to Barbados. Not much happens – they see a couple of ships, shoot a couple of sharks and bicker. Then Kensit steals Prochnow’s insulin for kicks, and ultimately, Something Shocking happens. Well, it might be considered shocking if the film, oh, I don’t know … offered an explanation for it!
The confusion is only heightened by a text epilogue that leaves you saying, “And?” If Kill Cruise clears anything up, it’s the detailed and close-up answer to the question, “Where does a dog poop on a sailboat?” Though it’s short on forward momentum, Kill Cruise is wholly watchable, mostly on its Poor Early-Career Choice merits.

Wow, I had no idea that was Elizabeth Hurley. I remember her being quite hot in the movie, though I was probably about 12 at the time.