Two Plus Two Older Archives - Getting your [censored] robbed...

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Getting your [censored] robbed...

I grew up in NYC and I currently live here as well, as a result I have both experienced and heard a few interesting stories about getting mugged/robbed/[censored] up, etc...

I'll tell one right now.

This happened to a good friend of mine. This guy, let's call him Shorty because he's 5'3", is leaving an Upper East Side watering hole at approximately 3am. He is pretty close to being incapacitated due to excessive alcohol consumption. Luckily for me (and all of you) he was able to recall what happened to him despite being [censored] -faced.

He's walking home from this Upper East Side bar that is only 6 blocks from his apartment when he is approached by a prostitute. She's slightly larger then him, African-American, missing two or three teeth (details are a little hazy on the precise number of teeth missing), wearing a pink mini-skirt with neon-green thong partially exposed, and clearly (from a drunkard's perspective no less) [censored] up on some sort of narcotic.

The prostitute says to my friend, "I'll suck ya off for 10 bucks sweet cheeks." (I didn't make up the sweet cheeks part, I promise).

Shorty responds, "No thank you ma'am." (He's very polite in every situation, including early morning propositions from crack whores).

This little dialog continues with cracky continuing to bother Shorty while Shorty politely refuses service.

Cracky appears agitated by Shorty's repeated denials and says to him, "You don't want a blow job then [censored] you [censored]!"

With that, she starts walking in the other direction. Shorty, closing in on his block, thinks nothing more of the situation and keeps walking more or less in a straight line.

All of sudden something doesn't seem right to our hero. Any native New Yorker will be able to tell you that there are certain times when you just feel uncomfortable, as if you can sense violence is imminent.

Shorty noticed, even through his drunken stupor, that there were two large men accompanying his erstwhile [censored] buddy closing in on him at a rapid pace.

Before he could react by either sprinting toward his apartment building or trying to locate an open bodega, these individuals were in his face with two fairly large knives drawn.

[censored] face #1 said, "Give me your [censored] mother [censored]!"

Shorty stuttering slightly as a result of intoxication coupled with fear replied, "Yes sir," while digging for his wallet, cellphone, and taking his Tag off his wrist.

[censored] face #2 offered the following advice to [censored] face #1, "Check that [censored]'s pockets!"

[censored] face #1 obliged and found nothing of worth.

Throughout this whole process, Shorty recalls that Cracky had what he described as "Probably the most maniacal and wacked out grin I've ever seen on anyone's face ever."

Having successfully robbed Shorty blind, Cracky and her two pimps made a quick exit from the Upper East Side potentially to purchase more crack.

To make a long story longer, Shorty called the police from a payphone (luckily Cracky and co. hadn't bothered to take our hero's change) and within approximately 3 minutes the entire precinct was on the scene. Unfortunately, Shorty was too drunk to submit a report at 3:30am, but had to the next morning instead. Finally, after what being assured of a very thorough investigation, Shorty walked the block or so home and passed the [censored] out.

For the two people that read this entire story, I salute you and I hope it was moderately enjoyable. Anyone else have any tales of getting their [censored] totally rocked by prostitutes?