Two Plus Two Older Archives - Another Bar Trip Report...

Okay, it's not a bar trip report, but I figured that was the only way anyone would read this.

I’ve taken a brief hiatus from 00T recently in order to expand my horizons. It’s been a busy few days, but I think in the long run this will help me to fulfill my life’s ambition of being a better person and 00Tiot. Let me begin by saying that I have Ronald Grossi to thank for showing me the way. I have decided to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord & Savior. Although I’m not really sure why it’s called personal. It seems like Internet Spam is a pretty impersonal way to save people. Since I’m now saved, I am wondering though if there’s a certain kind of porn I’m allowed to look at? I mean Jewish folks are supposed to eat kosher stuff. Is there a special kind of porn that saved Christians look at? I’m really hoping I’m not expected to give up the good porn. And what does this mean for my future with Natalie Portman? Would having sex a hot Jewish chick be a sin? Can I put it in her pooper? Would something involving beads be a no no? Also, can I still be friends with Big Steve? I’ve e-mailed Ronald with these and a few other questions. I’m expecting a response as soon as he discusses it with God.

Also, after watching the Heat tabacle, I’ve decided to give up entirely on sports. Sports are clearly for retarts. The only sport I will watch going forward is the National Spelling Bee. I’ve decided that my children will be groomed to win this thing beginning now. They will be homeschooled 12 hours per day and all classes will be in spelling. Between classes, they will be locked in a closet to ensure they remain pasty and to prevent them from acquiring any social skills whatsoever. Also, they will spend lots of time with the fainting goats at the petting zoo near our home. Apparently fainting is a legitimate spelling bee tactic so I’m hoping they can pick up some pointers. We’ve already begun adding special vitamins to our son’s diet to ensure he has a scruffy mustache by age nine. We haven’t decided whether this is a good idea for our daughter or not.

During my hiatus I also took up listening to gangsta rap. I’ve been wearing my hat crooked and my pants down below my ass. I spent my last paycheck on gold jewelry and got some of those funny little spinning thingies for my truck’s wheels. I also spent a couple of days walking around the hood looking for someone to bust a cap in my ass. I’m pretty sure that would give me street cred, but no one took me up on it. I remain undecided on the whole East Coast-West Cost thing, but think each probably has its own merits. I mean Illmatic was great, but Straight Outta Compton is pretty sick too.

I read Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s stone. It made me want to wear a cape and attend an English boy’s school. Fortunately they do not accept 36 year-old men. It was a creepy feeling anyway.

I went to great lengths to see things from the perspective of all my fellow 00tiots. I moved and didn’t tip the movers. I watched foreign movies and forced myself to like them. I pretended to be an Internet porn star, and pretended Social Security could be saved. I disproved the Nash Equilibrium. I joined a union, and bought a sex chair. I fought midgets, five year olds, and five year-old midgets (I’d tell you “how many” but it’s embarrassing). I punched a woman in the uterus. I started smoking so I could quit. I pitted animals against other animals in steel cage death matches (my dog ate the kids’ hamster, but he choked on the turtle). I wore a wrestling mask while tea-bagging someone, dated a Canadian MILF who happened to be my best friend’s ex, and got tazed. I played Magic, Dungeons & Dragons, PS2 & X-Box. I exercised and ate vegan…and yes, you can lose two pounds in a week. I found there is a dearth of Japanese people in Miami…otherwise I would have said “Hello” to one. I had a threesome with lesbian midgets. I wore a pink shirt with, and without, a popped collar. I watched soccer and/or football. I met WSUChica and didn’t put it in her pooper. I watched the OC and American Idol. I had wet dreams after eating at Chipotle! I’m still recovering from my burning petrol light saber fight. I started gimmick accounts, and renewed my membership in the mile-high club. I shaved my head, then my sack. I shopped at Wal-Mart, and then refused to shop at Wal-Mart. I rubbed one out on a deserted highway. I breastfed in public. I wrote a Dear jakethebake advice column and found out my advice always sucks. I lived. I learned. I laughed. I got drunk and called her.

After all that, I’m pretty sure you all suck and I rule. Either that, or I have some serious issues to work out on the QLC forum.

P.S. Would this have been better if I’d just tried to convince El Diablo to switch accounts with me for a day?