Two Plus Two Older Archives - Crazy Hand at the Taj (long)

I feel like this is the best place for this story, but mods: please move it if it's wrong.

½ NL 8:30 am in the nighttime. I folded this hand so don’t ask where I am…
All $$ are approximate.
MP: drunken donkey whitehat philly cracker. 500$
LP: Decent player with platinum chain and crazed look in his eyes. Apparently dead broke, playing with other player’s chips. 140$
Button (BN): Insane old black man with NO SHIRT ON, one tooth, and no hair. Possibly either homeless or eccentric genius. Just bought in: 300$
BB: Good very young TAG player who later mentioned 48 hours of no sleep. 500$

MP raises to 15 (standard). LP calls, BN raises to 40. BB reraises to 140. MP thinks some. BB says, “Look, I don’t want you all to suck out on me…I HAVE THE BEST POSSIBLE HAND!” Everyone just stares at him. Personally I believe him. MP doesn’t really seem to hear him, calls, and possibly passes out briefly.

LP says “aw screw it maybe I’ll hit a set, all in.” (Doesn’t cover the raise). He gets up and starts showing the gathering gawkers his hand (obviously 22…)

BN starts shouting and hollering… “I’ma new player! Ima old man! Yall Trying to hustle me! This is the first hand I’ve played!” Meanwhile the BB ignoring him keeps saying to the whitehat in MP, “Dude I’m not kidding, I really do have it.” BN says, “Cmon lets gamble,” and raises 100 more!

“What?” says the BB… “Dude I’m serious. Dude. What are you doing? Aw, forget it, I call.” Huh? I was sure he had AA…what is he up to?

MP gets that stubborn look that really really bad players get…you know what I mean. The eyes glaze over and the head goes down like a bull…his mind furiously trying to justify the worst call of his life. It’s like a disgusting parody of the thinking he sees other players do…like a monkey who can speak saying “Thinkthinkthink, I’m thinking…look at me.” He calls.

THE FLOP: AT5, all diamonds! BB looks real serious now, checks. Que? MP peers at the cards on the board, his hand…thinky thinky, then he bets 50. 50? The pot’s like 800 bones! The BN is still yelling and shouting as more and more people gather around, “What’re yall trying to do me! I’m just trying to learn this game!” He calls 50.

“ALL IN.” The BB pushes the last few hundred of his chips out. Whoa, he really DID have AA. What a pot, now they have to fold right? Unless one of them has a flush…

MP: Call. Incredulous hooting from all sides.

BN, after much carrying on…calls. Holy crap this kid has just made the pot of his life.

Brick-brick. Showdown:
LP: 22 of course, he’s out the door.
Button: QQ! With the Q of diamonds!
BB: 99! WTF! With the 9 of diamonds!
MP: It can’t be…it is! AJ! OFFSUIT! NO DIAMONDS! De NUTTTTZZZZ! WINNER! 1700$ Shut the doors! Bar the windows! I’ve seen some bad junx in my days but…that’s some sick business.

The BB had no good explanation of why he was just trying to straight LIE about his hand to win the pot. The button dude continued to scream bloody murder about how he had the best hand the whole time (True and the best draw on the flop). The trashed trash dude chugged two beers at the same time while his ratfaced buddies cheered him on. He left 15 minutes later feeling like a hero.

Just to cap it all off on THE NEXT f(reakin)g HAND I look down at two black aces. I win a small pot on the flop. Mike Matusow is so right, playing poker is slow suicide.