From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

The following is from Bill Simmons' mailbag on ESPN.com. I'm curious what everyone thinks about his response.

Q: Do you think it is time for a moratorium on all poker metaphors? Not just in your column, but in all columns in all the magazines and sites? As the co-writer of both "Rounders" and "Tilt," I feel some responsibility for the poker language bludgeoning we are all taking and I want to be the first to address it. Thanks.
-- Brian Koppleman, NYC

SG: No problem, Koppleman -- as long as you agree that "Rounders 2" can't happen without Damon and Norton, then I agree to banish all poker metaphors from my column. But if I read that "Rounders 2" is happening with someone like Wilmer Valderrama or Johnny Knoxville taking over as Mike McD, all bets are off.



While we're here, let's make two other poker pacts ...



1. Now that Jackpot Jay has retired, nobody can write any more poker columns. Stop writing them, stop reading them, just stop. We all know how to play at this point. We know that you can get screwed over on the river ... it happens. We know that you can get lucky on the river ... it happens. But if I have to read one more column about how the writer had three jacks, and he thought they would hold up, but then somebody else was going for a straight, and then when he saw that 7 of hearts, he knew it was trouble ... for the love of God, who cares??? It's poker! When you're at a table where everyone knows how to play -- and by the way, just about everyone knows how to play now -- it's 90 percent luck! You might as well write columns giving the play-by-play of a scratch card you scratched off outside a convenience store. Enough. Please stop. I would rather read 200 holier-than-thou columns about Rafael Palmeiro over another poker column.



(And if you're going to keep writing them, at least make fun of everyone else at your table. Your average poker player looks like he should be holding a squeegee at a stoplight in Manhattan, scalping tickets outside of Edison Field, pushing a hot dog truck in Hartford or chain-smoking outside of a VD clinic waiting for his granddaughter to come out. This needs to be mentioned at all times. Repeat: All times.)



2. No more glorifying poker players. For instance, one of the more famous players has the nickname "Jesus," as you might have heard Norm Chad mention 65,234 times on that World Series show (when the guy really looks like Waingro from "Heat"). Should a guy who devotes his life to deceiving other human beings with cards really be called "Jesus"? Shouldn't poker players only be allowed to have nicknames like "Fish Eye" and "Scumball"? Also, how hard can it be to play poker for a living when Jennifer Tilly, Tobey Maguire and Ben Affleck have won major tournaments? Even in a sport like golf, when the celebrities play with the pros, they're clearly inferior (just watch HBO's excellent show about Ray Romano and Kevin James trying to make the cut at Pebble Beach). In poker, anyone can become a pro -- you just need enough cash to get started and a ton of time on your hands. I mean, have you seen Jennifer Tilly on a talk show? Not a Mensa threat.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

I like most of Bill Simmons' articles, and he's entitled to his opinions but some of this stuff is just garbage. 90% luck? Same as scratching off a lottery ticket? These statements are just ignorant. Taking cheap shots at Chris Ferguson, who has a PHD in math and is arguably the most intelligent poker player, is also ignorant. Picking out the 3 celebs he does and saying that if they can do it any idiot can do it, also ignorant. Tilly has been coached by Laak, Affleck by Annie Duke, and Tobey Maguire by Negreanu.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

Simmons jumped the shark months ago.

His entire schtick was writing about being a long-suffering fan of Boston sports teams. Now the Pats are an NFL dynasty and the Red Sox won. So everything he's based his writing on has disappeared.

He's grasping at lifesavers tossed to him in form of the hot pop culture fad. Right now, poker is one of them, so he mocks it yet clings to it because it's the only thing keeping him from going under.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

[ QUOTE ]
Simmons jumped the shark months ago.

His entire schtick was writing about being a long-suffering fan of Boston sports teams. Now the Pats are an NFL dynasty and the Red Sox won. So everything he's based his writing on has disappeared.

He's grasping at lifesavers tossed to him in form of the hot pop culture fad. Right now, poker is one of them, so he mocks it yet clings to it because it's the only thing keeping him from going under.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds like a yankee fan.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Simmons jumped the shark months ago.

His entire schtick was writing about being a long-suffering fan of Boston sports teams. Now the Pats are an NFL dynasty and the Red Sox won. So everything he's based his writing on has disappeared.

He's grasping at lifesavers tossed to him in form of the hot pop culture fad. Right now, poker is one of them, so he mocks it yet clings to it because it's the only thing keeping him from going under.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds like a yankee fan.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds like a red sux fan.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

BK makes a great point, almost every time someone puts a poker metaphor in a non-poker column/conversation it is terrible.

Simmons makes some good points on poker columns, for the most part columns are either written as a story or for strategy. The story columns are 95% Bad Beat/Miracle Draw types and do get old.

I doubt Simmons was serious on his 90% luck claims, he does play every once in a while, and he has to know about the skill involved.

He never seems to see anything truly negative about Jesus that I can see, but I don't get the Heat reference. (Never seen it yet)

The crack about the celebrity players does have some truth to it. Anyone who actually tries to play well, is trained by a top pro, and has the money to play will win a big tourney after trying long enough

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

I like reading Simmons' articles, but his take on poker has always been unintentionally funny, to steal one of his catch-phrases.

Remember that Vegas week-long trip report he wrote up a couple years back where he got to sin city a couple days before his friends and was trying to pack in the 7-card stud? He said something about his intentional table image like (this quote isn't exact but it's close) "When I sat down everyone looked at me like I was a wet-behind-the-ears ivy league hotshot who was timid and didn't know what he was doing. And believe me, that wasn't by accident." Then he goes on to explain how 6th street "killed him" all night, blah blah blah.

Anyhow, every time he brings up poker, I get a sense of mixed amusement and pity. However, I figure it can't hurt to have a popular sports writer sending out dumb sh1t to his readership.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

[ QUOTE ]

He's grasping at lifesavers tossed to him in form of the hot pop culture fad. Right now, poker is one of them, so he mocks it yet clings to it because it's the only thing keeping him from going under.

[/ QUOTE ]
Um...I don't know how many times you think Simmons talks about poker, but I think you may be making a lot out of one response to one letter in his mailbag.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

Bill, like usual, is correct.

Re: From Bill Simmons column on ESPN.com
 

His point is that poker in the media is oversaturated, and it's not being done well.

And he's right. The wankers at B&Ms, the table coaches in the chat boxes online, the ubiquitous bad-beat stories everywhere. Once you get beyond the thoughtful analysis of the game, poker "talk" is mind-numbing, and that's what's flooding the media.