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So I Kicked an Old Lady to the Curb Tonite (long)

Sorry for the length, but I have to get this off my chest.

We hosted a dinner tonite for 3 other couples and their kids for the kids to exchange gifts and decorate Christmas cookies, and for the adults to hang out, drink and bitch about the Lions. Each couple has two kids ranging from 4 months to 4 years old (ours are 2.5 and 5 months).

While we were getting ready earlier tonite, one of our friends calls and asks if it would be OK if they brought their grandma who decided to come to visit a day earlier than planned. Now this is the type of lady who has no filter between her brain and her mouth, especially as it relates to parenting/kid issues. She constantly comments about having better ways to raise kids, cook, keep your house and generally live your life (including to my buddy and his wife). We've had dinner with her a couple of times in the past, and while I'm generally a pretty laid back guy, I hate this old hag. I've talked to my buddy about my dislike of her (its his wife's grandmother) in the past, and he can barely tolerate her, nor can the wife, but they are her only family (the wife's mom died two years ago). My wife is a softie and says fine since otherwise she'd be at their house all by herself.

Fast forward to tonite, and before dinner, we had some chips and salsa and cheese and crackers for appetizers. Not knowing that she has a restricted diet (and also not knowing that she would be there), we didnt have any appetizers that fit her dietary "needs". She proceeds to tell us about a dinner party that she hosted where she ran to the store 10 minutes before dinner was to be served because someone was allergic to something she was serving, because that's what good hosts do. I'm starting to get pissed at this point, but whatever, its Christmas and I'm in a jolly mood (except for the Lions sucking). At the same time, we offer her a glass of wine, but apparently she's a wine snob and our Kendall Jackson isnt good enough for her. She says "Do you have any bottles of wine that cost more than $10? No? Hmpf, I'll have water." My mood is souring and I'm about to kill Grandma and my friends at this point, but I let it go.

While we were appetizing, we had the kids decorate some sugar cookies with frosting and sprinkles. Obviously with kids under 4, this becomes a big mess, but the kids are having fun, so whatever. One of the kids (not ours) takes his frosting laden cookie and rubs it in his brother's face (which most of us thought was funny), and Grandma starts commenting to the parents about how they need to teach their kids better manners and she would be embarrased if her kids did that. I immediately shoot a look at my buddy and get him in the other room. I tell him that if he cant get Grandma under control, I'm going to lose it. He promises to have his wife talk to her. Fine, I'm feeling better since I said something now, and hopefully she will be less of a beeyatch for the rest of the night.

We sit down for dinner (pizza and pasta for the adults, hot dogs, PBJ and chicken nuggets for the kids), but again this doesnt mesh with grandma's dietary needs. We end up cooking her a bowl of soup and some crackers because that's all she can find in the pantry that works for her. Again the same story about running out to the store 10 minutes before her dinner party, and I'm getting pissed again.

Dinner progresses nicely otherwise until my 2.5 year old son announces that he's done and wants to get down from his booster to open his presents. We tell him to wait until everyone is finished, but he doesnt like that answer and throws his kid-fork down the table. It ends up near grandma's soup bowl (but doesnt hit it or spill any soup). My wife takes him from the table for a "discussion", and grandma again makes a comment about manners. At this point I had enough, and I tell her "You know what, grandma, he's 2, so we cant expect him to be an angel all the time. I know you think that you were a parent extraordinaire, but I'd really appreciate it if you could keep your comments to yourself." I felt that I needed to say something but didnt want to be totally rude since she was my friends' grandma. I get a nasty sneer and no comment back from her, and the rest of dinner is fine because she doesnt say anything else.

After dinner, we let the kids open their presents. While they were playing, my 2.5 year old takes one of the toys from my buddy's kid (typical kid stuff). Grandma's on the other side of the room and I hear her say to the wife, not too softly I might add since almost everyone stopped, "No wonder that kid is so poorly behaved with the way his father (me) acts".

At this point, I've lost it completely (not to mention I've got 6 beers in me). Without saying a word, I go to the closet and get her purse and coat. I return, toss them on her lap, and say "Get the hell out of my house you ungrateful, rude old bat. We have you over to our house and all you do is insult us and our friends. Here's your stuff, there's the door. Out."

Now she gives me the "I never..." comment and she starts crying, but my buddy grabs the kids, his wife gets grandma and they leave without saying too much else. The rest of the couples had a pretty good laugh about it once they left (since apparently she had commented on everyone at least once that night) and the rest of the night was fine. I felt pretty bad for my friends, but I had enough (and I know that her comments had embarrased my buddy and his wife too) so something needed to be done.

I called my buddy a few minutes ago, and I apologized to him and his wife. He said things were cool with us (and the wife), but grandma went into her room right when they got home and hasnt come out. I'm pretty sure I wont see her again (nor will I apologize to her), but right now I'm not too broken up about it. I so feel like Jihad right now.

Sorry again for the long post, but I had to vent.